My friend David lost his ID.
Now he's just Dav.
I won my first cage fight last night…
Parrot didn't know what hit it.
One of my coworkers told me that my dad jokes are bad.
But I think deep down they know nothing could be father from the truth.
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
What side of a chicken has the most feathers?
The outside.
What’s E.T. short for?
Because he’s got little legs
Justice is a dish best served cold because…
…if it were served warm, it would be justwater…
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary.
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too.
What do you call an epileptic emperor?
Julius seizure
What kind of bees make milk?
Boobees
A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.
As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for." I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believe it, he didn't do a single thing wrong. I'm going to pull him over and let him know." He pulls the guy over, goes up to him and says "Sir, I'm sorry I pulled you over. I just wanted to compliment you. I followed you for a while and not once did you speed, change lanes without signaling, or do anything else deserving of a citation. I rarely see this so I wanted to thank you for you safe driving." The guy looks up at him and replies: "Well, you've got to be careful when you're drunk."
I had to turn off my carbon monoxide detector …
‘cause the constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me hallucinate
To the person who stole my glasses IM WARNING YOU!!
I have contacts
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck. Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!
People have called me a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
I want to be a mailman, but my friends keep telling me I’ll be terrible at it.
Oops, posted this in the wrong place.
What do you call the testicles of a peacock?
His peanuts
Amazing Team Player
The interviewer calls the candidate for the interview. The candidate enters and gives his resume. The interviewer takes a look and mentions that he is going to peruse through it. The interviewer starts reading through the projects and sees that he single-handedly led all his teams. He commends him on the same. He looks again and sees that one of his main characteristics is a good team player. He is confused and asks him "It says here that you are a team but you single-handedly led most teams. Isn't that contradictory?" The candidate smiles and says "If everyone in the team likes to work with me, I am a good team player, right?" The interviewer says "Yes" "Well, I am the only person on the team and I like working with me"
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that tiny hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to slip the dying worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "That's from Grandma."
I called my friend and told him I put a load in his dishwasher
I also told him she wants him to clean his room
I saw a crying baby in a hot car today, I grabbed a rock and threw it at the window…..
Little did I know the window was rolled down… at least it stopped crying
Anal sex is like getting your first crappy and old bike
You don’t want it but your dad is going to give it you anyway
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg
In college, I lived in a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
I’m so excited to finally get a dad bod
It's the first time I've ever had a father figure
What’s the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected…
What do you call a Werewolf YouTuber?
Lycansubscribe
What’s the difference between a Monk and a Rogue?
A Rogue will pick the lock. A Monk will just use their Ki.
My buddy jokingly asked me, “If I shagged your wife, would that make us related?”
I said, "No man, that would just make us even."
Three men in a boat with three cigarettes but no matches, how do they smoke?
They throw one cigarette overboard and make the boat a cigarette lighter. (heard in the Adam West Batman series)