My friend fell in an Egyptian river last week, but swears he didn’t.
He was in De Nile
He's calling it "That's what Xi said"
My mom used to tell me not to laugh at other’s condition because we may be in their position one day.
So I laugh at Bill Gates' condition everyday.
In Germany, A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, “That’s not it” and put it down again.
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too" Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?" His friend said: "No, I quit smoking"
"Are you fucking serious?!" asks Ron. "Yeah…that too," says Harry.
"Oh. I thought you were daddy!" I've never been so proud.
"Cock, a doodle do."
God goes to Saint Peter and says "Pete there are too many people in heaven. I never expected this, so we need to add a new rule. The rule is that in order to get in you need to have had a really bad day the day you died. Got it?" "Yes Sir" Peter replied. With that God left and Peter called the first soul forward. "New rule mate. You have to tell me what your last day on Earth was like." Soul 1 says "Well it was not good i tell ya. I had long suspected that my wife was cheating on me. So i decided that i would leave work early to go back to my appartment on the 20th floor and catch her. When i got in the house i found my wife alone naked in bed, surprised to see me. So i start searching the house and couldnt find anyone. I was about to give up when i saw some finger tips on my balcony and sure enogh there was a man hanging there. So with out so much as a houd ya do i stomped on his fingers and down he went. Unfortunately he survived because some trees broke his fall so i grabed the closest heavy thing i saw, which happened to be my fridge, and threw it off the balcony. BAM got him dead on. I laughed so hard i had a heart attack and died." Peter though 'well he died laughing but he did find his wife cheating so i guess it was bad' so he let him through. Before he could consider the fact that he had just let a murderer into heaven another soul came forward. "Wait a minute mate. New rules, what was the day like the day you died?" Soul 2 said "It wasnt good sir. I was practicing yoga on my 21st floor balcony when i suddenly sliped over the balcony. Luckily i caught hold of the balcony below mine. Then, out of nowhere, this phyco comes storming out and stamps on my fingers. I fell but lived and as i was recuperating from my trauma i look up to see a fridge falling on me. Then i died" Peter at this point is laughing his arse off but waves soul 2 through. He then calls "Next!!" and soul 3 comes forward. Peter says "New rules, what was the day like the day you died?" Soul 3 says "Well picture this. Im naked in a fridge…"
Because he was 2².
Because they lactose
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
then I see why they call you handsome!
A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks “How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?”
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc? We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
A pregnant woman who is expecting triplets walks into a bank, while she is in there a robber walks in and shouts for everyone to get down on the ground, the woman is too slow so the man shoots her 3 times and runs away from the scene. The woman survives, and the doctor told her that in 12 years, each of her children will have to pass the bullet. So in 12 years, her 1st son walks up to her and says ‘mum I’ve just peed out a bullet’ so she tells him the story.Her Daughter then walks up and says the same, so again the mother tells the story.Then her 3rd son walks up to her and says ‘mum you’ll never guess what’ which she replies with ‘let me guess you peed out a bullet’ which he replies with ‘no, I was masturbating and I shot the dog’.
They can’t defend the towers
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office… But she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you'… The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!' Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.' She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend…So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all dimes!'
Inside jokes, only.
A guy goes over to his new girlfriends house for dinner with her family. Unfortunately he has severe gas…
He is fighting to hold it in while they all eat. Unable to hold it in anymore he lets out a fart and the grandma shouts “Rover!” He realizes the dog is sitting next to him and is relieved that the dog is being blamed. So naturally he lets out another one and this time the father shouts “Rover!” Satisfied with the cover up of the dog being blamed he rips his biggest fart yet, this time the mother shouts “Rover! Get over here before that man shits all over you!”
As soon as we got him home, he made a bolt for the door
Man: I’m .. Officer: Go on. Man: I think… Officer: Yes? Man: Can I please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…