My friend in Germany says that there has been panic buying of sausages and cheese . . .
It's the Wurst Käse scenario
Credit: Twitter, Bruce Lawson (@brucel)
How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?
Why does it have to be a group activity?
My girlfriend just admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.
It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.
I got a pen in Barcelona. It writes so smoothly. I can get the finest lines out of it. Everyone is so surprised by it
Because no one expects the Spanish ink precision!
They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book
That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.
Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?
The outside!
I cried when my mom chopped onions
Onions was a good dog.
My family was cracking up while eating eggs for breakfast this morning
They were great yolks
Why did the student Google all the topics related to his essay twice?
Because he was asked to research.
Who can drink two litres of gasoline?
Jerry can.
Has anyone else noticed that it’s the comedians that are speaking the most sense these days?
https://ift.tt/2VlQcmK
Don’t Stop
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. “Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.” “Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man.” When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?” “Once,” he replied. Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted. “And what did she say to you this morning?” “Don’t stop.”
Once a man decided to worship a Celtic god of good fortune named Sucellus.
(This particular god carries a large hammer) Since nobody has worshipped him for millennia, the God was pleased and decided to appear before the man. God: You mortals have forgotten me for so long. I am very flattered that you thought to worship me. For that I will grant you three wishes. Man: What?! Just three? I want at least 10 wishes. God: Are you mad, mortal? Have you forgotten your place? I am offering you three, take it or leave it. Man: Ok, I'll take three but you have to give me your word. You can't backtrack on any of these. God: Do you doubt my power? I can do anything. Of course I won't backtrack. I give you my word. Man: First wish, I wish that the hammer in your hand would turn into a stick. God: (laughing) You really are insane. All the things in the whole world and you wish for this?? Ok whatever, here you go. Hammer turns into stick. Man: Now I wish that you put that stick up your arse. God: (furiously) What?!! How dare you ask for such a thing. Man:You gave me your word. This is my second wish. You have to do it. God: (hesitantly) Ok fine. Puts the stick up his arse. Man: Now dear Sucellus, are you giving me my ten wishes or you want me to turn that stick back into hammer again.
Adam and Eve’s Nationality
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian.
British people be like: I’m bri ish
I guess they drank the t
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp with a genie willing to grant him one wish.
Man: I wish your name was "Burger King". Genie: Wait, what? Why? Man: It's for a joke, trust me. Genie: You'd waste a wish, something with the power to change the cosmos itself, for a joke? Man: Yes. Burger King: Have it your way.
Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are unfaithful….
Now I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday.
Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff…
“Ba-dumm-Tsss”
I’m not a one trick pony
I know multiple tricks, and I’m not a pony
“I went on a date with a girl to Yo Sushi,” said my buddy.
"How was it?" I asked. "Oh, you know…when one things lead to another…" he said coyly. "Yes," I replied. "That's called the conveyor belt."
Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.” “That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.” “He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.” So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?” “Of course I did!” Answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.” “Where did it go?” Arthur asks. “I don’t remember.”
A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister’s underwear.
I don't know if it was because she was still wearingthem or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
A dad was washing his car with his son
The son asked why they couldn't just use a sponge.
How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?
it's not hard.
An escaped prisoner was caught camping out in the woods ….
…. it was a clear case of criminal in tent.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay they’d be bagels.
A perfectionist walked into a bar.
Apparently the bar wasn’t set high enough.
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
But apparently you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
Ah yes, forget the fact that the cost of college increased at least 260% since 1980
https://ift.tt/2PbrZNy
I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me…
I thought, “This’ll be wasted on drugs and booze.” So I just gave it to the homeless guy.
Why do ducks make great detectives?
They always quack the case.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree
When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!” The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”
My mother once told me I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.