My friend is obsessed with monorails.
He truly has a one track mind.
Her: I have no idea how the science behind human cloning works.
Me: That makes two of us.
How many Germans do you need to change a light bulb?
One. They are efficient but not funny.
Ethnic joke…
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans… … walk into a fine restaurant. "I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group… "You can't come in here without a Thai."
Whenever I go to a Apple Store, I feel like a three year old at a candy shop.
I can’t afford anything.
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night….
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea
Gary Larson remains the most influential boomer humor contributor of all time
https://ift.tt/2GaJo4b
Are you today’s date?
Because you're 10/10.
Today I saw an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume is stuck at max level”
I thought, well I just can’t turn that down
My dumbass son thinks there’s the letter F is in the word ‘way’
There’s no F in way.
Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day …
Give a man a poisoned fish, and you’ll feed him for a lifetime!
My dad always told me “don’t be quick to find faults.”
Good Dad, terrible geologist.
For Christmas, I’m getting my kids an alarm clock that swears at them instead of ringing.
They are in for a rude awakening.
A man buys a lie detector robot
That slaps people who lie, and be decides to try it out on his son during dinner. “Where were you during school hours?” He asks. “At school!” His son replies. The robot slaps the boy. “Ok I was at my friends house….” His son says. “What were you doing there? “Reading comics!” The robot slaps the son again. “Ok ok!! We were watching an erotic movie…” “What?? I didn’t even know erotic movies existed when I was your age!” The dad exclaims. The robot quickly slaps him. His wife laughs and says, “Wow, he really IS your son-“ The robot slaps the wife.
A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting
I said people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer
Like I get the 80s were nice, but the amount of media that uses 80s nostalgia is getting annoying and dull at this point
Like I get the 80s were nice, but the amount of media that uses 80s nostalgia is getting annoying and dull at this point
i think i saw the word bullshit a few times in the movie
i think i saw the word bullshit a few times in the movie
“Boss, can I have a week off around Christmas?”
Boss: It’s May. “Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas?”
I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore!
Definitely time for a new keyboard…
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
Quick Question Guys. Is it “for fucks sake” or “for fuck sake”?
It's for a work email so it needs to sound professional.
Bad knock-knock joke #2
Knock, knock. Who's there? Control freak. Control fr- Okay, now you say "Control freak who?"
Why did the sperm cross the road
I put on the wrong sock this morning.
What do you call a communist sniper
A marxman
When I was 18 I wanted to kill myself…
But I'm a procrastinator, so I picked up smoking.
People say the back of my head looks really nice
But I don't see it
I had this saved from a while ago, I dunno if this belongs here. (Right to left)
https://ift.tt/2z0JZoE
The New Year’s celebration at Times Square was pretty disappointing.
They really dropped the ball this time.
One more secret Trump is trying to keep: How much are taxpayers paying for his vacations
https://ift.tt/2NaNL34
I taught my daughter what bargain meant.
She said: "Thanks dad, that means a great deal."
How are you going to plant any flowers
If you haven’t botany?