My friend keeps making up imaginary Middle Eastern countries..
I have to remind him what Israel.
A short Irish guy tricked me into giving him money for his skin disease.
I should’ve known it was a Leper-con.
we’ll we’ll we’ll…
…if it isn’t autocorrect.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself
It’s amazing how Seasons work. I’m in Japan, it’s mid December and I’m freezing…
But apparently back in the England it's the end of May.
What do you do with an English prostitute
You give her a pound, then you give her a pound
What is muffins spelled backwards?
Exactly what you do when you take them out of the oven.
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
Nobody believes me, but I only have sex standing up.
I’m not fucking lying.
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky
All my friends jokingly said that this girl I have a date with is imaginary.
Well, the joke is on them. Because so are they
Whenever I undress in the bathroom..
My shower gets turned on.
Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 70?
Because when she gets to 69 there's a frog in her throat.
My nephew does well in marathons but poorly in the 100 yard dash…
He's better off in the long run.
The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.
As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up. As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns to him and says, "Sir, unfortunately, this is a very small helicopter, and we only have room for one more person. Who should we rescue?" The President peers over the edge of the chopper, at his closest allies down below. Among them are the Secretary of State, the Chief of Staff, and the National Security Adviser. By now, they are on the verge of being overwhelmed by the stormy sea, and whoever is left behind will certainly drown before more help arrives. He looks from one face to the next, before finally shaking his head in resignation, unable to choose who to save. "I'm too tired, son. Do what you think is best for the Nation." "Sir, yes sir!" The Soldier gives a sharp salute, before pushing the President back into the raging ocean and flying away.
My dad is coolerblind.
you red that wrong
Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out, man
Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?
The outside!
What snack will you always find at a KKK rally?
Salty Crackers.
I really enjoy telling Dad Jokes
Sometimes he laughs.
If something were heat resistant…
Would you say it's heat proof, to a certain degree?
Did you hear about the Yacht builder that had to work from home?
His sails went through the roof
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?
Laughing stock
What’s Irish and stays out all night?
Patty O’Furniture
The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.
Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling." Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting." Her Majesty: "Fascinating. Very well, carry on." All is well, until a few doors down the Queen sees a beautiful blonde nurse giving another patient a blowjob. Her Majesty: "Now what's this?" Nurse: "He's suffering from the same condition as that other patient, but this man has much better health insurance."
A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day.
“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?” “She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”
Some scientists were able to recreate human vocal cords in a petri dish…
The results pretty much speak for themselves…
I usually wear 2 pairs of pants when I go golfing
Last time I got a hole in one