My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
A couple of years ago, one night,
I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend . Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could. In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
I asked 20 women in my neighborhood about their preferred shampoo
A staggering 100% of them use "Get out of my shower".
How are one handed people so independent?
Because they do everything single-handedly.
The punchline comes first
What’s the worst about time travel jokes?
I looked longingly into my beloved’s eyes and whispered “A…E…I…O…U…and sometimes, Y.”
The priest then turned to her. "And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"
Two Pretzels Were Walking Down The Road
One got a-salted.
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven….
1st Woman: Hi, Wanda! 2nd Woman: Hi Sylvia! How’d you die? 1st Woman: I froze to death! 2nd Woman: How horrible! 1st Woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I can home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching tv. 1st Woman: So, what happened? 2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st Woman: Too bad you didn’t check in the freezer…..we’d both still be alive! My father everyone! 😁
New Teslas don’t come with a new car smell
They come with an Elon Musk.
I’ve opened a barber shop for rabbits.
We only do hare cuts.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
I went to the doctor and he said i was going deaf.
It's been 3 weeks and I have not heard from him since.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
The bible is one of the best-selling books in the world.
You could say it's very prophetable.
Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
Fucking everywhere
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture
My boss asked me if I could perform under pressure.
I said no but I do I a pretty good bohemian rhapsody.
What did the 3 tampons say to each other at the bus stop?
Nothing, they were stuck up cunts
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl.”
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
The urge to sing ‘the lion sleeps tonight’
Is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
Cable repairman was on my street and asked what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 1pm
I found a pen that writes underwater!
It writes other words too.
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off.
I said “ son, that’s 3 schools this year… maybe teaching isn’t for you.”
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
The Naked Hippie
This joke is one i came up with to annoy my wife. She hates it lol. A naked man walks into a tailor's shop. The tailor screams at him. "Hey, get out of my store! You can't come in here like that." The man replies, "awww, c'mon dude….cut me some slacks." The end
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll
A man died and was sent to hell. The devil was feeling generous and gave him three choices.
The devil took him to the first room. The room was empty except for a pool of scalding hot water. The man saw George Bush, jump into the pool, climb out and jump back in again. The devil said "That's his punishment. He has to jump into the pool for eternity. If you pick this room, you take his place." The man hurriedly asked for option 2. So they went to the next room. This room was filled with rocks. The man could make out Obama continuously smashing rocks. The devil said "That's his punishment. He must smash rocks for eternity. If you pick this room, you take his place." The man asked for option 3. This room was magnificent. It had a massive king size bed, a table full of delicacies and just the works. On the bed, the man saw Trump having sex with Mia Khalifa. The man jumped with joy and exclaimed "This room! I pick this room!" "Are you sure?" the devil asked "Yes definitely!" "Okay then, Mia you can leave. This man here will be taking your place."
If i had a dime for every time i didn’t understand what’s going on.
I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
If you have a bee in your hand, what’s in your eye?
Beauty. It's in the eye of the bee-holder.
The three unwritten rules of life
1. 2. 3.
Did you hear about the dog that ran ten miles to retrieve a stick?
That sounds a little far fetched
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
One piece of advice my dad always gave me is to learn early from your mistakes.
Probably why I’m the only child.
Seeing six topless women sounds nice…
Dozen tit
If I won 298 million, I’d give a quarter of it to charity.
…I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.
How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. Men can be Feminists, too.
I invented a new word
Plagiarism!
My penis was in the Guiness Book of World Records.
Until the police came and removed me from the library.
