My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.
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Today I got complaints about my dog chasing people on a bike
I immediately took away his bike
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could have done for him.
Why do people wash their clothes in Tide?
Because it's too cold out-Tide
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, which promptly lays down on the floor. The barman says, βOi mate, you cant leave that lying there!β
The man says, βItβs not a lion itβs a giraffeβ
What do you call a 3.14m long snake?
A Οthon.
What do you call a musician in the army?
A tambarine! Thank you! Thank you very much!
I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Glenn and his wife were working in their garden one day when Glenn looks over at his wife and says, “Your butt is getting really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!" The wife chose to ignore the husband. Later that night in bed Glenn was feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie
I went to the zoo yesterday and I saw a piece of toast in a cage.
When I asked the keeper why, he said, "It was bread in captivity!"
I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.
As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, βYou dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!β She didnβt hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, βYou dropped your purse on the floor outside outside McDonaldβs. Thank you so much she said, Where is it? I said, Iβve just told you, on the floor outside McDonaldβs.
The comparisons are strong. Especially for Bram Stokerβs Dracula
The comparisons are strong. Especially for Bram Stokerβs Dracula
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
All the fans left
Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?
The Second-Hand Store.
My bald dad commented on my hair earlier.
He said I had hair like an emo. He wasnβt too happy when I said he had hair like a chemo.
Why can’t chickens tell time properly?
They don't have enough bucks to buy clucks.
Boy: Hey wanna see a movie with me tonight?
Girl: I have a boyfriend. Boy: and i have a math test tomorrow. Girl: What does that have to do with anything? Boy: I thought we were listing things we were going to cheat on.
I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens
Money for nothing, and the chicks for free
Husband was screwing his secretary up the ass when his wife walked in
Wife: (sobbing) You can't do this to me! Husband: I know that's why I am doing it with her!
My girlfriend wanted to have a conversation with me about me being too childish, but it never happened…
She didn't know the password to my treehouse!
What’s the most hated vegetable in the world?
Kim Jong Un
Double Negative !
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. βIn English,β he said, βa double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.β βHowever,β he pointed out, βthere is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.β A voice from the back of the room piped up, βYeah. Right.β
Why was Pavlovβs hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
A guy and his friend are sitting on a sofa having a few beers. Guy #1 – βWhat would you do if we found out an asteroid was going to hit the earth in one hour?β
Guy #2 – βI would fuck the first thing that moved. What would you do?β Guy #1 – βIβd sit very fucking still for the next hour!β
This week Iβm hosting a charity event for men who canβt ejaculate.
If you canβt come let me know.
What do you call a fight between a Martian and a nerd with no social life?
Alien versus Redditor.
It translates to: Pero (the guys name) if you did not notice, I am wearing the same dress.
https://ift.tt/2XpzNP7
“A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN”…
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.