My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette.
Blew his mind.
Why can’t dyslexic people tell jokes?
They always punch up the fuck line.
I took the shell off of my pet snail to see if it would move faster
But it just ended up being more sluggish.
My daughter pointed at a spear and said “daddy look it’s sharp”
I replied with “that’s the point”
British Person: “I’m bri ish”
“I guess you drank the t”
guys pray for my friend. He told me he only believed 12.5% of the bible…
he said he's an eighth theist
Welcome to invisibility class
Disappointing to see so many of you here
Why was the forest so noisy?
The tree’s bark.
A Redditor walks into Reddit Restaurant…
All of our servers are busy right now. Please try again in a minute.
A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows: Hamburger – 2.99 Cheeseburger – 3.99 Chicken Sandwich – 4.99 Hand Jobs – 19.99 The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a sexy little smile. The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger
When you’re in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil…
Then you’ll get a, “Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis!"
What did the vampire say after drinking the donkey’s blood?
Tastes like ass.
Guy walks into a bar…
"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake… He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy … do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No … not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"…
I once asked my grandfather how he’d lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning." I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
Why was Trump unable to hang himself?
It was fake noose
First time I went to an art museum, I was shocked that I couldn’t swipe the paintings…
https://ift.tt/2xVb5gR
An atheist dies and goes to hell
The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!" They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?". They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!" As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air. Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way".
What do you call a hundred centipedes?
A dollarpede
My son said I’m not funny
"That's right," I answered. "I'm Dad."
My order of a dozen bees came with 13 bees
When I called customer service about it they said, “ oh that’s just a freebie.”
What do you call a wandering caveman?
A meanderthal.
Why don’t cannibals like ramen
They prefer cooked men
Once a certain donkey driver turned to Khoja Nasreddin: “Oh, wise one, explain one thing to me, otherwise I will lose my mind.”
– I was given ten donkeys to drive to another city, and I hit the road. Before the road, I counted them, there were 10. I sat on a donkey and we drove off. On the way, I decided to count the donkeys again, and, to my horror, there were nine of them. Then I decided to make a halt, dismounted, and again counted my flock, there were ten again! With relief I set off again, but when I decided to count the donkeys again, there were nine again! And so every time and all the way, there are always 9 on their way, and on a halt 10. Take a look yourself, O Nasruddin, and tell me how many donkeys you see here? – Eleven.
As I’m sure you’re all aware, the Notre Dame Cathedral is on fire.
They don't know who did it, but they have a hunch.
Why shouldn’t you trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
I’m reading a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
I asked my Scottish friend how many sexual partners he’s had.
He started counting but soon fell asleep.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year long?
Paddy O'Furniture
I need some help fixing my new pen.
Anyone have any tips?
A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
No text found