My friend recently came out and said he was gay.
But I didn’t believe him because he said it with a straight face
My friends claim I’m the cheapest person they ever met
I'm not buying it
A girl once said about me “He’s the one!”
Granted I would have preferred she didn't say it in a police lineup. But you have to take what you get.
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and his girlfriend meets him at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!” she says. The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are already seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and Whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.” The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a Pharmacist.”
My Grandma is 96 years old and still doesn’t need glasses.
She drinks straight from the bottle.
I gave up my seat in the bus for a blind person.
That is how i lost my job as a bus driver.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I’m a compulsive gambler…
Ever since, all I can think about is how to win her back.
The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?” Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout…… “Donald duck.”
Pregnant wife: What should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: Herbert pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b- me: Himbert
I’m sure Trump will explain everything to Lindsey and it’ll all be fine in a couple days.
https://ift.tt/2IGWeZw
What the world looks like before the brain vertically inverts the retinal image
https://ift.tt/3e2R080
If I throw jam into traffic
Is it now traffic jam
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
He couldn't see that well.
What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?
A centipede!
“Dad, how do you cast spells?”
"You just follow the instructions." "Which instructions?" "Yeah, they're the ones."
I refused to believe my son got fired as a road worker for theft.
But when I got home, all the signs were there
Why is 6 afraid of 7? (the answer is not what you’re thinking)
Not what you're thinking
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
When a short person waves at you….
Its called a microwave
How do you tell the sex of an ant
Drop it in water. If it’s a girl: girl ant. If it’s a boy …
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels.
She didn’t know I existed.
For anyone attending Stan Lee’s funeral…
Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.
Why was the gambler on edge when working at a BBQ restaurant?
Whenever a waiter picked up a meat platter, they raised the steaks.
An egyptian mother tells his son “im a proud mummy”
No text found
What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?
Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.
2020 is going to be a great year.
I can see it so clearly.
My dad always said I loved alphabet soup growing up.
But really it was just him putting words in my mouth.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture
You know why they named it the “bell”
Because it has a nice ring to it
Two Elves walk into a bar,
The hobbit laughs and walks under it.
Experts have confirmed that bowling is officially the quietest sport.
You can hear a pin drop, after all.
If Sarah Sanders thinks it is safe to be out in public, perhaps she could lead by example
https://ift.tt/3ayAl9K