My friend recently came out and said he was gay.

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions. 6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.' Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid. 22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks. 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.' 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct. 49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn). 19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page. 11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here. 24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs. 44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you. 12 to post F. 8 to ask what F means. 36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs. 15 People to post "I can't see S$%!" and use their own light bulbs. 6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$" 4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?". 13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs." 1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments. 50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views. 5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously. 1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.

Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes

He was disqualified.

Me: Do you have any chameleons? Clerk: I have no fucking idea

It’s currently half empty…

All the slides were just pictures of me.

Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."

A polar bear walks into a bar and the bartender says “What’ll it be today?” The bear says “give me a gin and…………………….tonic” The bartender says “sure thing but why the big pause?” The bear looks down and says “I dunno? I was just born with them. “

Spitting, swallowing, and gargling

Always walking around like they rent the place.

The teacher isn't there on time. A few minutes passed, and she still hasn't arrived yet. James kinda figured, while the teacher was away, he ought to keep writing his novel he's been working on, about cats. James' dream is to become a big shot writer with the desire to have a best-seller. He's written and sent in books before, but no luck. He's tried written short stories, children's stories, poems, and even a few attempted novels. However, none of those were considered good enough to publish. However, this next story that he has planned, he figures it's gonna be HUGE. It's the story about a runaway cat, told from a first-person view of the cat himself. The cat is supposedly trying to figure out how to return home, and how to survive. After giving it much thought, and after receiving the feedback from the other failed attempts, he decided to put his all into his book. It'll be a smash hit. After about fifteen minutes, the teacher finally shows up to first period. The teacher apologizes, "Sorry, I'm late. My dumbass boyfriend doesn't know how to properly set an alarm clock." Upon hearing those words, a light bulb suddenly went off in James' head. Boyfriend… clock… that's it! That's the perfect story! During class, he decided to try and take notes as to the concept of the book in itself. So far, he has the idea of a guy falling in love with an analog clock, something about how digital clocks are about to go outdated, and that he feels nostalgic by them and doesn't want them to fade away… that's what he's come up with so far. Yeah. A story about a guy that has a sexual relationship with an analog clock. It's a strange story, he knows, but he feels it's quite an original story, to the point where it will definitely put him over the top, WAY more than his cat story he's been working on. Once he gets home, he puts way more time and effort coming up with the characters, the plot details, and so on and so forth. Finally, by the time he has to go to sleep, he's already completed two chapters. A few weeks later, he's already completed the book. He's so excited about what he's written, where he feels like a big shot. He feels this will definitely be the book that brings him to success. It's well-written, has great structure, and he feels that he wrote the main character enough to where you'd actually empathize with his romantic relationship about the clock, and why exactly he wanted to marry the clock in the first place. He titles the book "Holding Hands". He sends it in to the first publishing company. A few days later, he gets a call, saying that it was one of the worst things they've ever read. Feeling distraught by this, he decides to try again with a different publishing company. However, a few weeks later, he's given the exact same statement, that it was terrible. He tries over and over again, but nothing really seems to happen. Finally, he decides to give it one last shot. One more publishing company, and if they reject it, he'll scrap the book entirely and possibly resume the cat story that he originally had his eyes on. He sends it in, and… no one contacts him. Days later, not a word. Weeks pass, months. A few years, even. By this point, James has already graduated high school and went to college for writing. His cat story was also rejected, but hopefully he'll be able to write a masterpiece once he graduates and gets his degree. By now, he's also married and has a child on the way. Suddenly, out of the blue, his phone rings. He couldn't believe it. It was the publishing company from a few years back! He answers the phone. "Hello?" A woman answers, "Hello, is this James?" He affirms. She says to him, "I'm just calling to let you know that we've recently read your book you sent us, "Holding Hands"." He says, "Yeah. It's about fucking time."

Tourists.

But I beg to differ

Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don’t hear them.

When it's ajar.

The bartender says, "Sorry but you're gonna have to leave; we don't serve noble gases here." Helium does not react