My friend said, “I’ll never buy from a store that assigns genders to kids’ beds!”
I said, “Boycott?”
Him: That’s what I mean.
(P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN
Ha! I just foiled your plan!
A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog who was drowning…
After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off he vill be fine", I said "are you a vet?", He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking!"
Man sits at a bar and orders five shots…
the bartender asks the guy, "What's up bud? You look rough." "Well," says the man, "I just found out my dad is gay and he's left my mom for some pool boy." "Ouch," says the bartender, "here, these are on the house today." A few days later the same guy comes in and orders another five shots. "Oh no man, what happened this time?" The bartender asks. "Just found out my brother is gay, he's left his wife for a man he met at a gay bar last week." "I'm sorry man," the bartender says, "these are on the house." Just one week later the guy comes in again and orders ten shots. The bartender asks, "Man! Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The guy responds, "Yeah…my wife."
I like telling Dad jokes
Sometimes, he laughs!
If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
Emojis, millennials, stick shift, and cursive? Check, check, check and check.
https://ift.tt/2wQ2VWA
A Frenchman was showing of his yachts to a tourist
Frenchman: "This one is called Un, this one Deux, this one Trois, Quatre, Six, Se–" Tourist: "Hold on, why is there no number 5?" Frenchman: "It Cinq"
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died recently?
He pasta way.
I saw a lizard with angry red skin. It then turned orange! Then it turned yellow. Then green. Then blue. Then indigo, until it finally became a relaxing shade of violet.
Calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer chameleon.
Girls call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
And then they call me ugly and poor.
What does a hand grenade have in common with a wife?
Take off the ring and your house is gone
As a new language, Braille is not that difficult to learn.
You just have to have a feel for it.
Why won’t the dog listen to the farmer’s sheep jokes?
Because he has herd them all.
You shouldn’t see any horror movie today
It May, Fri 10 you
What’s the difference between “comma” and “coma”?
The length of the pause.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said “yes, the others were at least eights or nines”
How do you say ‘what’s up dawg ‘ in Japanese
Konichihuahua
Why did the scarecrow get an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
I saw a lady in tears at the store
She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside. I gave her 100$ because I had just found about $1600 in the parking lot. payitforward
In the English language, the word “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis” has the most number of syllables at 19.
This narrowly beats out the runner-up, "Gloria" (18 syllables). Source: Catholic Exchange Note: full disclosure, I heard this absolutely glorious (hah!) joke years ago, but when I was retelling it earlier thought of another way to set it up. It's just a grand coincidence that that word in the OP I can barely understand had only one more syllable than "Gloria".
Geology rocks but geography is where it’s at
No text found
I have a scary joke about math but…
I’m 22 to say it.
What do you call a hot chick in Boston?
A tourist
A Scottish man walks into a bar..
.. There's usually an Irishman & Englishman in this joke but they're still at the Rugby World Cup.
I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandads dick last night…
I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can't take it any longer.
