My friend said to me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
I said, “That’s Superman.”
He said, “Thanks man, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
A woman goes to a pet store to buy a companion.
The assistant in the pet store however guides her to the aquarium and says "these frogs are on special.' "Why would I want a frog" says the woman. The shop keeper looks around sheepishly then says "this frog gives the best oral sex in the world, MIND BLOWING!!" The woman immediately buys the frog and takes it home. That evening she bathes, dresses in her sexist lingerie, lays on her bed and places the frog between her legs….nothing happens. The next day she calls us the pet store and complains to the shop assistant. He apologies profusely and says he doesn't know what happened and offers to come around and fix the problem. When he arrives he ask the woman to recreate the scene and show him what she did. The woman does as instructed with the same result. The frog does nothing. The man strokes his chin and thinks for a moment. Then places the frog to one side and says to it. "Alright! I'm going to show you how to do this ONE last time!"
Why was it called the dark ages?
Because of all the knights.
I feel like I have no control over my body
Everything I eat goes to shit
People hate the police so much these days…
…that even Sting has stopped performing "Every Breath You Take."
Wanna hear something funny? Quarantine.
It’s an inside joke.
Is buttcheeks spelled as one word?
Or do you have to spread them apart?
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
Archaeologists digging on a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.
Experts believe it to be Pharaoh Roche.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows to high..
She looked surprised
I told my wife to buy some Dove soap.
She said, I never knew they were so clean.
What did the melon say when his girl asked him to run away and get married?
I love you honeydew, but I cantaloupe.

It’s the end of the world as we know it and he feels fine, very stable and wise
https://ift.tt/33mh9ZQ
Earlier I spotted an albino Dalmatian…
It was the least I could do for him.
My wife treats me as if I’m a god.
She acts like I don't exist until she wants something.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year..
..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British". One week later, the Punch newspaper in Ibadan, Nigeria, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard, Abimbola Obuijsule a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Abimbola has therefore concluded that more than 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless."
In all my years working at the Land Rover factory…
I made several discoveries
If you need a job you should apply at Search and Rescue..
They're always looking for people.
You all must have heard about the man who invented the knock knock joke.
Well, he won the No-bell prize.
What’s the difference between the worst political party and my penis?
One of them is left leaning, and the other one is right leaning.
My friend couldn’t afford his water bill.
So I sent him a "get well soon" card.
A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood bank
The rabbit says : I think I might be a type O.
To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo.
Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.
Batman walks into a room which alfred is ìn, late at night.
"Alfred could you fill up the bathtub please" batman said after entering the room. Alfred replied with, "what's a htub sir?"
A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs
"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again." "Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!" "Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag. After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then." "What for?" I asked. He said, "The drugs." I said, "What drugs?"
What do you call a dinosaur fart ?
A blast from the past
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there's not mushroom!
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to her and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a handsome prince.”
She bent over, picked up the frog and put it in her pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a handsome prince, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of her pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a prince, I’ll be your devoted boyfriend.” Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into her pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a handsome prince, and that I’ll be your devoted boyfriend. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a boyfriend, but a talking frog……that’s cool.”
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
He wanted to get a long little doggy. (credit: my sister, Lisa)
God the engineer
Three engineers are having lunch and discussing what kind of engineer God is. The mechanical engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer, look at the complex network of levers that make the body move" The electrical engineer says, "No, look at the electrical processes of the body, which the brain could not operate without, he must be an electrical engineer." The civil engineer says, "You're both wrong, he must be a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste line through a recreational area?"
Did you hear about the explosion at the Shoe Factory?
God rest their soles.
I was surprised when I caught my son smoking weed upstairs…
I never imagined my house would have a drug attic.
you don’t grate cheese here… you shReddit
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