My friend says to me “What rhymes with banana?”
And I told him "No it doesn't"
Why do fish always sing off key ?
You can’t tuna fish
iPhone 12 Commercial Parody – 48 CAMERAS!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-1h1wU-ODM&ab_channel=DanielJacobsFilms
The person who invented hand sanitiser…
She must be really rubbing her hands together now!
An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome
An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks the clerk: Time traveler: Do you have XL togas? Clerk: Well, yes. But why do you need so many?
ok so a stoner, a jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
If you don’t know what to give your friend as a birthday present,
just give them a fridge, and watch their face light up as they open it.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.
What do you call a man that states the obvious?
A man that states the obvious
Who wants to learn about Roman numerals? I for one.
No text found
A bunch of electricians threw a party
It was lit
Two Gay men are on a long overnight flight.
One gay man says to the other "Hey you want to join the mile high club right here?" The other gay man replied "Here? We will get caught!" The first man smiles and says "Relax everyone is asleep. Watch" he then stands up and says "Does anyone have a pencil?" To which he recieves no response. This is enough for the other gay man who stands up and gets behind the man at which point they have sex. A few hours later a flight attendant walking down the down the aisle see an old man who has thrown up all over himself. She asks the man "Sir why didn't you ask for a vomit bag?" To which the old man replied "Well the last guy asked for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass"
My marriage is like a fairytale
A witch is waiting for me at home
I asked the toy store assistant where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were…
She replied, "Aisle B, back!"
To the guy who stole my antidepressants the other day.
I hope you’re happy now.
Divorce lawyer: I’m sorry to say, but all of your husband’s assets are Frozen.
Wife: How? Lawyer: I’m not sure, but he has 2000 DVDs of the movie for some reason.
I was having a bad day so I bought a bottle of vodka,gin and whisky and put them in an elevator and sent them to the top floor. Didn’t have a good reason,
Just needed something to lift my spirits
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve
The Englishman admires it and says "Look at them, calm, reserved, and proper, they were surely English." The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French." The Russian slowly shakes his head "No clothes, no house, no possessions, they have only an apple to eat, and they are told this is paradise. My friends, they are definitely Russian."
A sheepdog was working with a farmer to get the sheep into the pen.
When he was finished, he said to the farmer, "That's all fifty sheep!" Confused, the farmer said, "But I only have forty-eight sheep." The sheepdog replied, "I know. I rounded them up!" courtesy of my desktop dog calendar I got last xmas
I want to die like my grandpa did, in his sleep
Not screaming like the people in the back of his car.
Did you hear about the new restaurant in town called Karma?
There is no menu. You get what you deserve.
Why can’t Russia have a female president?
Because Putin is not a woman.
If life gives you melons…
You might have dyslexia.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because of their antybodies
I used to hate facial hair.
Then it grew on me.
I asked Siri why I was still single
She turned on the front camera
Where did the Terminator find toilet paper?
Aisle B, Back