My friend set me up on a blind date with her vegetarian friend but I’m kind of nervous…
I’ve never met herbivore.
As I expected, my therapist told me that I have a problem verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
A very loud, grossly over-weight, and very unattractive woman walked into Walmart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no! They ain't no twins! Oldest one's nine, and the fat one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" In a very pleasant tone, the greeter responded, "I'm neither blind nor stupid. I just couldn't believe that you got laid twice."
Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law.
It took half a century but Hippies finally won.
Don’t take life too seriously.
You’ll never get out of it alive anyways.
What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common?
I don’t care if she has one.
I asked my North Korean friend how life is in North Korea
"I can't complain" He said.
I’m gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I’m not in.
Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules
Son: D-d-d
Dad: Aw, he is saying his first words. Son: D-dad, I'm fucking 30 and stop making fun of my stutter.
Embarrassing Situation
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"
What do you call a witch that only eats sand?
Malnourished.
A little boy asks grandpa to make a noise like a frog. Grandpa asks why?
Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!
My wife said I was being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.
Why does Greta Thunberg like r/jokes so much?
We recycle our material every fucking day.
Husband to wife. ”Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm.”
Wife, “I don’t like calling you at work.”
I bought my daughter a locket and put her picture in it.
Now she is independent.
What do you do when you are feeling rough?
Go to the dogtor!
I’ve created an app similar to Tinder but it’s for paleontologists.
I call it Carbon Dating.
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
But they’re having a really hard time putting their case together…
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
Dad what is Mozart doing now?
He is de-composing.
Guy walks into a bar…
"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake… He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy … do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No … not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"…
Why do Americans go fishing with guns?
Because a group of fish is called a school.
Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71.
I don’t understand why people celebrate pi day
It’s irrational.
I asked my wife if she would wear gloves if she had no hands? She said – ermmm nooo..
Then why are you wearing a bra?
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
You could say I’m B.R.O.K.E.
B – Bad R – At O – Acronyms K – E –
Why do lamps make people happy?
They bring delight. My 7-year-old son told me this at the breakfast table this morning. He is going to be a great dad one day.
What is Greta Thunbergs favourite country?
MadAtGasCar
How does a bald man run his fingers through his hair?
He cuts holes in his pockets.
I recently fucked my best friend after my girlfriend dumped me.
I don’t know wtf I was doing fucking a guy but I obviously wasn’t thinking straight
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue
If there’s an emergency at your Game of Thrones viewing party
You should go to Daenerys exit.
My doctor told me I had Type-A blood…
sadly it was a Type-O