My friend started making art out of marijuana…
It’s pretty dope
Why did the ram go over the cliff?
Because he didn't see the ewe turn.
Before my surgery my anaesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla comes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
what’s the most disappointing way to finish a joke?
No text found
What concert costs $0.45?
A 50 cent and nickelback concert.
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
My wife complains I don’t buy her flowers.
In all honesty, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
I walked into a room full of men masturbating
They all looked shocked when I didn't stop
I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !
My credit card number My social security number Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk…..
…..but I never got the chants.
Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other…
…the NSA will finally read it.
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. “It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. My brothers haven’t been affected tho."
My landlord wanted to talk to me about how high my heating bills are.
I said, “Sure. My door is always open.”
What’s black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
Which vegetable likes to line up the most?
A queuecumber
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Europe is like a fridge
You have the freezing cold part at the top Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection Then down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease
My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film.
Our dates can be summarized as follows: Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN!
Where were the first French fries made?
…in grease
Bro was really hungry
Bro was really hungry
One day an engineer was crossing a road when
a frog called out to him and said "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you forever and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer replied, "Hey, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Just got married, the wedding was so beautiful and emotional!
Even the cake was in tiers!
On Endor, how does a gentleman end a fight?
Ewocs away
My son, who’s into astronomy, asked me how stars die.
"Usually an overdose, son," I told him.
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?
Through the Dumbell door.
My friend asked if I wanted to play Yahtzee.
I said "no dice."
Q: Why did Star Wars episodes 4,5, and 6 come before 1,2, and 3?
A: Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
I was warned not to steal kitchen utensils
But it's a whisk I am willing to take.
My last girlfriend left me because of my obsession with touching pasta.
Feeling cannelloni right now.
Met a homeless man with a sign that said “One Dollar for a Dirty Joke”
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: "All right sir, what's your name?" Me: "John." Homeless man: "So John, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right again, now look at that white cat walking around – how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: "I don't know. A lot?" Homeless man: "Well John, how do you know so much about black cock and so little about white pussy?"
A man arrives to the airport with three bags
A man arrives to the airport with three bags. He walks up to the counter and says, “I have a ticket for Los Angeles. Would you be so kind as to send this bag to San Francisco, this one to Miami, and if at all possible this one to Japan?” The gate agent replies, “Sir, that is flatly impossible!” He counters, “That’s a lie, you did it last time I flew with you guys and I didn’t even ask!”
What’s a pirate’s favorite juice?
The Hi-C