My friend told me, “My girlfriend keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character, and it’s getting really annoying!”
“Are you mad at her?” I asked.
He responded, “Geez! Don’t you start too!”
His sails went through the roof
It's the only day I'll tolerate high maintenance people.
and not “buzzkills”?
But I just call him Web MD.
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure, how much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what’s the WiFi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase. EDIT: format
I made my son sit through a 1 hour long PowerPoint presentation titled “The utmost importance of wearing a condom”.
All the slides were just photos of him.
Imagine how surprised he must have been.
Hey, haven’t we metaphor?
Take the ring off and the house is gone
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
My Gran said to me, “Young men of today just aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young.”
I had to explain, “That’s because they aren’t trying to fuck you now.”
If it is, I don't get it
A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,
a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens……. "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis."
It can write other words too.
The plot thickens.
We’ll see about that…
Find out next week on r/jokes
They were Stalin.
But they do have a Liverpool
His jokes are ruff
No text found
Now it's an Edison
Baaaaaack to the future
He kept talking about how he wants to shake things up.
.. p and a.