My friend took a trip to Taiwan…
Phone rings…….Dad: What does the Caller ID say?……Son: It says Private Caller……
Dad: Don't answer it. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher.
If I had $5 for every woman that found me unattractive
Pretty soon they'd all find me attractive
bUT hOw ARe yoU GoING tO PaY FOr iT?!?!
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop eating Pasta
Now I'm feeling cannelloni
Don’t catch that flight
Son: “Dad, did you know that in some cultures, you don’t get to know your wife until after your married?”
Dad: “Son, it’s that way in every culture.”
Took my mother-in-law out last night.
Loving my new sniper rifle.
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed.
Why didn’t the cow’s post get any upvotes?
People tell me that my phone is more powerful than the computer that put astronauts on the moon.
Yet when I use my phone to navigate it will tell me to turn when there is no turn. But I guess it makes sense since there aren’t a lot of turns between Earth and the Moon.
A man and his wife are at a restaurant…
The wife leaves for the bathroom and a short while later the waiter arrives. 'what would you like sir?' he asks. 'I'll have the steak, but my wife is using the restroom at the minute', the man replies. 'oh, well, do you know what she's having?' The man replies, 'well it's been about 10 minutes so I'd say a shit'
Never heard of it…
When a Programmer joins Twitter
aye aye captain
Why is there 2 d’s in ‘Reddit’?
Because one is a repost.
Two female parrots
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." “What do they say?" the priest inquired. “They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly. “That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that…that phrase in no time." “Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!" Edit: wow guys, first post above 1.0k 🙂 glad you all liked it!
Honestly women shouldn’t have children after 35
That'd be way too many
Haha wife bad
Grandma sent me this…
May I suggest: “LIEabetes”
Ironman’s favorite Christmas present this year were rockets he can fire from his feet.
He calls them missle toes.
Start with the punchline.
How do you tell a time travelling joke?
Narnia was a really progressive film
Most of the main characters came out of the closet
This game rollin
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party
That’s when I realized he was the favorite twin, not me.
I was going to put a vegetable joke in here
But you don't carrot all. That was corny. Don't beet yourself up about it. This is below my celery. Lettuce go our seperate ways.
Not every hero wears a cape
A man stood in the plane and shouted “Hijack”…
All the passengers got scared…. Then from the other side of the plane a guy shouted back…"Hey Dave".
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws
As I gave Dad his 60th birthday card he said to me…
"Just one would have been fine!"
Got the spider, huh?
Does this count?
I prefer my builders to have a PhD from the school of hard knocks.
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
Yesterday I called the suicide hotline, and they didn’t pick up
Way to leave me hanging guys
Already a foregone conclusion
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
What happens when an artist can’t take criticism?
They take Poland, instead.
Just an FYI
Trying to get into BIOS…
A [wholesome] boomer xmas comic
hope it’s not a repost
I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.
pop pop pop pop pop pop pop Nev er Gon na Giv ve You Up, Nev er Gon na Let You Dow, n pop pop pop pop pop pop pop
My neighbor walked past with two dogs and I said, “I didn’t know you had dogs.” He replied, “They’re not my dogs, they’re my sisters.”
I exclaimed, "Wow, your sisters are really ugly!"
Due to the Covid-19 Quarantine…..
I’ll only be making inside jokes.
What do you call the sweat created from sex in Alabama?
We all know the zip code to Beverly Hills is 90210 but what’s the zip code to Dawson’s Creek?
Spoiler 90108 for our lives to be over…
Found this at my grandmas house
Nothing tops a plain pizza.
No text found
An Age Old Argument
What does Yoda call a shape with three sides?
A do-or-do-not-angle. There is no try-angle.
If life gives you melons
Your probably dyslexic.
Every Single Time
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
Qubits be efficient tho
Can people stop making coronavirus jokes
I’m getting sick of them
An American walks into an Irish bar.
While on vacation, an American walks into an Irish pub and orders a drink. After a minute he says out loud, "I'll bet anyone in here $1,000 if they can take 10 shots of Jameson in a row, without stopping or vomiting." The bar gets quiet except for one man who gets up and walks out. The American laughs and continues to finish his drink. No more than 5 minutes pass, when the Irish man who left earlier, walks back into the pub and says, " I'd like to take ye challenge." The American laughs, buys the 10 shots for the Irish man and shows him the cash. Quickly the Irishman slams all 10 shots with ease. Astondished, but a man of his word the American gives the Irish man the $1,000 and says, "I just have one question, where the hell did you go?" The Irish man laughs and says, "Oh Aye jus went to the pub across the street to see if aye could do it."
Even they could understand this
Not really science but kinda science
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
What does the clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
I went to my local tobacconist to discover that it has been replaced by a clothing store…
Clothes, but no cigar.