My friend tried to convince me “whey” is spelled “whfey”
There's no f in whey
I don't know how they can sleep at night!
The Englishman orders a large whisky. The Scot says "I bet you a quid I can drink your whole whisky without touching the glass or using a straw". The Englishman is intrigued at how the Scot could possibly do this, so he agrees. The Scot takes the glass and finishes it in one swig. "But… you did touch the glass!" exclaims the Englishman. The Scot replies: "Aye, that I did. Here's your quid, and thanks for the cheap whisky."
They give it two test tickles.
Because you can see right through them!
She seemed surprised.
“I’d like to buy some tomatoes.” The clerk says, “I’m sorry ma’am, but we’re all out of tomatoes, and won’t have any for a few days.” So the woman leaves. A few hours later, the same woman shows up and says, “I’d like to buy some tomatoes.” The clerk says, “I apologize miss, but we’ll be out of tomatoes for the next few days. Actually, weren’t you in earlier today also? How about you give me your number and we’ll call when our shipment comes in.” So she gives him the number and leaves again. Just before the market is getting ready to close, the same woman comes in again and says, “I’d like to buy some tomatoes” The clerk, exasperated, pulls the woman aside and asks her, “Lady, what would you get if you took the sun out of a sunflower? The woman, sort of confused thinks and then replies, “well, I guess you’d have just a flower.” He says, “Great. Now, what would you get if you took the orange out of orange juice?” The woman, proud of herself responds, “you’d have only juice.” “Okay, good job. Now, what do you get if you take the fuck out of tomatoes?” Perplexed, she finally responds, “wait a minute, there’s no fuck in tomatoes.” He yells in her face, “That’s right, there’s no fuckin’ tomatoes!!!”
She wouldn’t get her nose out of my business. I was nuts over her though
i don’t know why everyone thought 73-year-old Bernie Sanders was too old to run for president four years ago…
…after all, he was in his prime.
but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.
which is fitting cause I have no idea what DIVOC is going on
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.
You Owe Me One, Kenobi
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong.
“Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" “Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. “Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally built up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." “That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." “Sensible" says Jeff. “So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." “And what happened then?" “I kicked her in the face."
Because he was asked to research.
even the cake was in tiers.
I have always wanted to be generous to a fault.
She replied, “Yes, it is and don’t call me Shirley!” I guess I left my phone in Airplane mode again…
"Hatch who?" "Bless you!" Source: my 6yo at dinner tonight
The second time let me down.
The horse-pital Just kidding it gets shot
Because their P is silent
Because he was in the living room.
Our babysitter smiled and said, 'Take as long as you like.' That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
But none of them work
Makes you an eighth thiest.
Gay. Definitely at least a little gay.
"Alright, make sure to bring it back"
Before work, during work, and after work.