My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.
China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.
You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it…
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.
A good party wasn't the correct answer, apparently.
I added some fruit and orange juice—now she’s sangria than ever.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip.”
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door: Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God" Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. Don't refer to Jesus and the 12 disciples J.C. and the boys.
Who's there? To. To who? (Shakes head) To whom.
Kid: "Is it real or fake?" Me: "Fake." Kid: "Of course, and what about the plant?"
"I can't complain" He said.
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
Ba na na na
I told him "Dad, I found the paperwork. I know" Dad said "What paperwork? What did you find?" "I'm adopted" He replied "Hi adopted! I'm- oh, wait. Nevermind."
That way you will be a mile away and have his shoes.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
A: Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
A cup of Joe.
She got so mad and said she's never gonna play Scrabble with me ever again
I literally had no idea where this was going but he goes really daddy a jelly-copter
Man: Wait. I can explain everything!
They'll kill your dog
I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore…
Definitely time for a new keyboard.
For my black Jeep.
‘Really’ I said ‘No, April fooaarrrrglegargle’ That’ll teach her to be funny
In the ark hives
…are the leading cause of dry skin.
Pupils, coz they dilate.
He was really hauling ass.
… if I could just get the right people to try it.
A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
Because all the fans left.
You boil the hell out of it.
They get toad.
The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.