My friend was shitposting on facebook and I found this
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates
They will kill your dog
When i was a young boy my mom would always tuck me in,
She really wanted a daughter.
Last night I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
Someone pooped in the water hole again.
Well shit.
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records
Then I got kicked out of the library.
Thats what happens when you follow Dr. Trump’s shady medical advice. You slightly croak.
https://ift.tt/3dralA7
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised!
A new pilot has his first day in a real cockpit and he asks the pilot…
"Wow, there's so many buttons and switches. How do you remember what they all do?" The captain replies, "I don't, but for the love of God don't touch the dusty ones."
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
There’s an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ
It's 150 minus the number of rolls of toilet paper you have at home.
If cold tea is called iced tea, and cold coffee is called iced coffee, what do you call cold ink?
… well then take a shower.
They say dress for the job you want, not the job you have
My boss still didn’t think a spacesuit was “appropriate work attire”.
There once was a guy named Dave,
Who dug up a whore from a grave. She was moldy and sh1tty, And only had one titty But look at the money he saved!
Sex with boss
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, "what happened?" She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"
Call me a racist if you want but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption, and stupidity. I wouldn’t touch it with a 10 foot pole.
I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.
*at the eye doctor*
Doctor: You have a blind spot. Me: I need a second opinion, because I just don’t see it.
Jesus walks into a bar
“Just twelve waters please!” Winks at disciples
Me: Sweet dog you got there
Policeman: Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog. Me: Still in training, huh? Policeman: What do you mean? Me: Nevermind
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to Ikea.
My uncle used to breed and sell parakeets…
they were flying off the shelves but he switched to chickens and they didn't take off. So he tried ducks and then it was all bills, bills, bills.
I was watching an Australian cooking show, and the audience applauded when the chef made a meringue.
I was surprised. Usually Australians boo meringue.
Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.
He came closer and asked what problem is. Old man: I’m looking for my son, but I’m gonna lose my hope. Jesus pitied the man and said, “let’s look for your son together.” After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily. Yes, said the old man. “He had nails driven on his hands and feet.” Jesus started and hugged the man, saying “FATHER!” The old man screamed happily, “PINOCCHIO!”
At first, I thought my haircut was too short.
But then it grew on me.
Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
RTX 2080 Ti Owner’s reaction to the reveal of Nvidia RTX 3070 (Featuring Ron Burgundy)!
https://youtu.be/RTrGBKY-1_o
My girlfriend asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasn’t her…
“Back in 02” I said, Sounds much better than February.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I’m too ‘controlling’.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.
They should stock ATMs better…
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds…
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around here, I’ll go on ahead.
What does James Bond do before he goes to bed?
He goes undercover