My friend wouldn’t stop telling me bird puns
Little did he know toucan play at that game
I went to Legoland last week
People were lined up for blocks
Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
My brother always lies, today he finally admitted to being a pathological liar
Yeah, like I'm falling for that
I keep asking what does LGBT mean
I can’t even get a straight answer
I had a scary math joke…
But I'm 22 to say it
In 2020 we’re going to have an entire year of bad puns about vision
I can see it clearly.
A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.
He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems." Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?" The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended." The Turkish respond: "Okay, maybe we should settle this outside." The Russian: "That's your second problem: You always want to solve your problems with violence." The Turkish bring him outside and pull their knives. The Russian: "And here's your third problem. You always bring knives to gun fights."
What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
Why should you never fight a dinosaur
You will get jurasskicked
A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the flustered bartender managed to stammer. "Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
I’ve genuinely lost my voice
Said no one, ever
An elderly woman with a shaky voice walks into a sex shop and asks, “Do y-y-ooou-u s-s-sell vib-b-rat-ors?”, the store worker told her “Yes we do, ma’am.”
She replied, "H-h-how d-do I t-turn-n it off-ff?"
Why did Karen press CTRL + Alt + Delete?
She wanted the Task Manager.
What kind of bird is always in pain?
The oooowwwwwwwwwwl
Why did the nearsighted woman fall into a well?
Because she couldn't see that well.
An Irish daughter (an oldie but goodie)
An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff… Dad… I became a prostitute…" The father was furious. "WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family – I don't ever want to see you again!" "OK Dad, as you wish." the daughter replied. "I just came back to give Mum this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club. And I have an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and…." The father stopped her, "Now what was it you said you had become?" Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff… A prostitute Dad!" "Oh! Sweet Jesus!" he replied, "You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said 'a Protestant.' Come here and give your old man a hug!"
A guy walks into a bar and orders a punch
The bartender says “Sir, if you wanna punch, you gotta get in line.” The guy looks around but there is no punch line
My wife just yelled at me, “You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said”
I thought that was a pretty odd way to start a conversation
What do we want…? Low altitude flyovers!
When do we want them? NNNNNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWW!
I scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked
I don’t know what scared him more, the fact that I was naked, or that I knew where he lived
How many bones are in a human hand?
A handful
A shipment of Viagra has been stolen
Police looking for hardened criminals.
My wife just gave me a restraining order..
Who knew there was an incorrect way to use a colander….
What’s the difference between Covid 19 and Romeo & Juliet?
..One’s a Corona virus and the other’s a Verona crisis.
Went out with a bang…
A tough old cowboy with grizzled hair, chiseled featured, and hands tougher than the sharpest barbs on new wire told his grandson that the secret to living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning. With absolute faith, the grandson did as Grandpap instructed. Every morning for the rest of his life, he added a pinch of gun powder to his oatmeal. He grew up, lived happily, enjoyed perfect health, and died at the ripe old age of 107. According to the story in the newspaper, he left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
My phone just told me “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.”
It must be in Airplane! mode.
Two days ago, I wanted to play hide and seek with kids but couldn’t
Good players are hard to find.
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re good at it.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A 4-chin-teller