My friends claim I’m the cheapest person they ever met
I'm not buying it
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster
So we can think about a solution in silence.
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before.”
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm…that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack….
She hasn't realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin.
My Dad told me he always struggled with three subjects in school;
Maths, and he couldnβt remember the other one.
A man is involved in a minor car accident and starts screaming and shouting like a baby
A cop approaches the car and says: "Sir, the ambulance is on its way. Your girlfriend has blood on her face, yet she sits there patiently. You appear to be fine, why are you crying so loud?" The man replies: "Check what's in her mouth!"
Last night, my neighbor got on his tractor and started yelling, βThe end is near!!β Man, I really hate…
…living next to Farmer Geddon!
What is an unborn child’s favorite craft?
Embryoidery!
My son came up with this one…
I was walking to the bedroom with a 20-ounce drink. My son was hiding behind the wall and said "boo". He asked "were you scared?" I told him "no, but what if I were and spilled this drink all over myself?" He said "then that would be on you". I told him "nice pun". He still doesn't get it.
A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.
"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?" The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other…she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir." The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks for that, it was lovely, but listen very carefully: Are my test results back?"
Cheap oil, no immigration and no school shootings.
Corona did what Trump promised
I for one like Roman numerals.
No text found
My son is a man trapped in a womanβs body.
Heβll be born in February.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.98, deer nuts are under a buck.
The pope visits Texas…
He gets the VIP treatment. Limos. The works. One day thereβs a bit of a mix up in his schedule and he finds himself in his limo with just the driver. Nobody else. Seeing the opportunity he asks, βMr Driver I havenβt had a days peace in decades. One of my old pleasures was to just drive my car. Please, you will be blessed, can I drive the limo?β The driver reluctantly agrees. They swap seats and off the Pope goes. Obviously, completely caught up in the experience he goes way over the speed limit. Only to be pulled over by a state trooper. Trooper knocks on the window. Pope winds it down. Trooper takes one look at the Pope and returns to his squad car without saying a word. The trooper gets on the radio and calls his sergeant. βBoss. We have a problem here.β βWhat is it?β says his boss. The trooper explains heβs stopped a limo for speeding. βYou know how you said to call you first if I ever caught a big fish? Iβve caught a big fishβ. βWell who is it man?!β exclaims the sergeant. βHeβs a big fish!β says the trooper! βWell who for crying out loud, is he a fellow officer?!β βBigger fish than that!β says the trooper. βTell me who it is! Is it a senator?!β βBigger!β βThe governor?!β βBIGGER!!β βTell me or Iβll have your badge officer!!!β SCREAMS the sergeant! βI donβt know who he is but his driver is the Pope!!β
A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.
A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him. So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without). He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
Not bragging, but I made six figures last year,
so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.
A man sees a lady in a bar with a large bosom…
He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your tits for a thousand dollars?" She says, "Hell yea!" So they go to a secluded corner, and she opens her blouse. The man puts his face in her tits for nearly five minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He says, "Nah, it's too expensive."
The oyster shucker at Red Lobster is on sick leave…
He pulled a muscle.
They ask me if it’s pronounced “NEE-a-list” or “NIGH-a-list.”
I tell them it doesn't really matter.
Why did the blind man fall in a well?
Because he couldnβt see that well
If Medusa, King Midas, and Oedipus raised a child together
That would be one stone, gold motherfucker
Where did Noah keep a record of his bees?
In the ark hives
Did you know the flag of Japan is actually a pie chart?
Of how much of Japan is Japan.
How to follow instructions
An old painter once brought a helper along for the first time ever He said: "Do as I say; exactly as I say. And don't try anything clever" "Now go kick that baseboard over there" he shouted as he pointed "..and see that plug over there? Go ahead and pull it" "and while you're at it, cut the water, put the chisel in my bag of brushes" "put the caps on the sockets, grab me that bucket, run to the van for our lunches" So the helper Thought for a second…got deep in thought….."WHAT ARE YOU THINKIN' ABOUT!!!" the painter exclaimed, all but callin' 'im names. The helper skipped with a bounce He pulled the baseboard, cut the plug, poured water in the bag, held the chisel next to the socket for a second and said "Nope. Not doing that" The painter looked dumbfounded as the helper covered the bucket with caps scratchin' 'is head tryna remember where the lunches were at …the old painter exploded …"WHAT WAS THAT!!!!!" "YOU BETTER FIX THIS AND GET IT RIGHT!!". The helper replied: "Um. My bad" then he put water on the bucket and cut the caps pulled the bag over, like really dragged it over, kicked the brushes and gasped. "Almost forgot", the helper said as the painter started to sweat, bubblin' mad As he started to remember where the lunches were at The old painter panted, "No, no, no" he said as he started to collapse pulled his brushes out and cut his hand on the baseboard on his bag threw the chisel at the helper, but the helper slipped and ducked it, because of the caps he shook the water off and ran to the van. In the meantime, the old painter kicked the bucket; and passed.
Adultery is a sin..
You canβt have your Kate and Edith too.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school yesterday?
He is fine. He woke up
I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.
They donβt make them like theyβre going to anymore.
Donald J. Trump walks into a bar…
and lowers it
Give a man a fish, and youβll feed him for a day …
Give a man a poisoned fish, and youβll feed him for a lifetime!
My wife got really mad at me because I donβt have any sense of direction…
So I packed my bags and right.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Ceasar walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
why did the latino man go to the therapist?
to talk about hispanic attacks.