You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it drowns, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.
My wife told me I needed to grow up, I was speechless.
It’s hard to talk when you have 45 gummy bears stuffed in your mouth
My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall
I said maybe.
My wife didn’t think I’ll give our daughter a silly name.
But I called her Bluff.
An older man and a 16 year old girl were alone in a room…
The man had initially agreed to the meeting, but he was having some serious second thoughts. He knew what they were planning to do was illegal, and could land him in some serious trouble. Man: I don't know, I'm not sure if I should. I mean, your parents would kill me if they found out. I know they wouldn't approve… Girl: I don't care about them. I care about this. Please. Man: You know it's going to hurt at first, right? Girl: I'm not worried about that. I trust you, I've known you since I was a little girl. I want it to be you. Man: I want to, I really want to, but it's against the law. You're too young. Girl: Oh, come on! Age is just a number. And besides, you know how badly I want it. I've been asking you to give it to me for weeks now. Please! I need it inside me! And with that, the man finally relented. He knew the law, he knew the consequences, but he just didn't care anymore. What he was about to do was worth the risk. The man gave the girl her measles vaccine.
How do you make a waterbed more bouncy?
You add Spring water.
A Woman goes to her local church to talk to the Priest.
The Priest asks her, "What troubles you, my child?" The woman replies,"Father, I have two female parrots at home. They only say " Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and " You can do whatever you want to me ", and nothing else. This has ruined more than one dinner party. I don't know what to do!" "Worry not, my child" the Priest says. "I have two male parrots at the abbey that only pray and read scriptures. Perhaps your parrots should spend some time with them and they might pick up better language." The woman thanks the priest and brings her parrots the next day. On entering the birdcage, the two female parrots immediately go," Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and" you can do whatever you want to me. " One male parrot says to the other," Look Frank! Our prayers have been answered! "
I hate it when kids these days write “angle” instead of “angel.”
They are just trying to be edgy.
Two Jehovah’s Witnesses die and go to Heaven.
As they're knocking at the Pearly Gates, St Peter turns around and whispers… "Turn out the lights and everybody be quiet!! Maybe they'll think we're not home."
The other day, my friend told me I was delusional.
I nearly fell off of my unicorn.
I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.
Me: “ok, this isn’t working out.”
My girlfriend is very untidy and never helps clean our place. I finally snapped and told her she needed to do her share. She smiled and said…
“If I could turn back time!!! If I could find a way!!!!"
My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore.
So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”
Hello Earthlings from Vortex.
Hello Earthlings from Vortex.
A woman is pregnant with triplets.
She lives in a terrible neighborhood and one day is caught in the middle of a drive by shooting. She is rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. When she wakes up the doctor tells her that all of her babies will live, however each one was hit by a bullet and they were unable to remove them. The woman ends up giving birth to two girls and a boy. 13 years later the first daughter approaches her mom and says, "hey, mom, I was going to the bathroom and a bullet came out." So the woman explains to her daughter what happened. A few days later the second daughter approaches her mom and says, "hey, mom, my period just started and a bullet came out." So the woman explains to her daughter what happened. A few days later she sees the son laughing hysterically and approaches him and asks what's the matter. The son replied, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog."
What do you call cheese that isnt yours..?
Oh sorry, Havarti told you this one?
At school I was always really successful at spelling bees
Other words I found much harder
I went to the therapist after my phone died.
I just needed an outlet.
I ordered a Chicken and an Egg from Amazon
I'll let you know
If your cable stops working, it could be a bad ohm-N.
Sorry for the terrible pun, I just couldn't resist.
I have a lot of jokes about the unemployed people
But none of them work!!
Whats the difference between a Cactus and a School bus?
A cactus has all the little pricks on the outside.
I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm
Its loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel dizzy and sick.
What do you have if you have a snowball in your right and a snowball in your left hand?
Frosty's full and undivided attention!
How do you send warships via email?
Google Docks
An astronaut was trying to make coffee on the space station…
Astronaut 1: "I want to make coffee but I can't find any milk." Astronaut 2: "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
Two guys are on a boat with 3 cigarettes and nothing to light them with.
They threw one over board and the boat is now a cigarette lighter.
What is the happiest number?
4. Euphoria.
Nice new car son.. What’s that thing on the trunk?
No text found
The boomer who shared this made sure to let everyone know that the mechanic was his favorite
https://ift.tt/2Xp5fyC
The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
I love going outdoors…
It's much safer than going outwindows.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it is cheaper.
Why does a moon rock taste better than an Earth rock?
Because a moon rock is a little meteor