my fucking cat arie
I tell my secrets to all my herbs, except for thyme.
Because only thyme will tell.
Why should people with heart disease avoid sleeping outdoors?
Because camping is in tents.
Found this scrolling through my insta. Not screaming boomer but definitely boomer esq humor.
https://ift.tt/2NiAtSj
I had a silver dollar, but then my dog got a hold of it.
Now I have a bitcoin.
An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?” The Marine replied, “Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.” The young lady said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. When’s the last time you’ve had sex?” The Marine replied, “1955 ma’am.” The young lady said, “That’s why you’re so serious. C’mon, I’ll make sure you lighten up.” She takes him to a private room and fucks his brains out. As she’s panting, she says, “You sure didn’t forget anything since 1955.” The Marine looks at his watch and says, “I hope not, it’s only 2130 now."
The waterbed salesman called out to me: “NOW WITH SHIATSU MASSAGE!!!”
"Really?" I asked. "Sure!" he said. "Just fill it with tap water."
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
What’s the difference between the 1920s and 2020s?
Depression happens at the start of the decade now.
A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
"Don't worry," said the doctor. "Those are just contractions."
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, “The baby’s coming! Don’t stop the car! Won’t make it! WON’T! CAN’T!”
"Driver, hurry!" I cried. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
A Newlywed Couple Waited for Marriage to Have Sex…
A couple wanted to wait to have sex until the night of their wedding. As the big day got closer the bride tells the groom she has a confession to make. "I am as flat as a board. I'm sorry, I have been using the best padded bras on the market to make people believe I actually have breasts. I hope this isn't a deal-breaker." "Oh thank God!" the groom exclaims. "I have a secret too…my penis is the size of a newborn." The couple is so happy they've aired their most embarrassing information and relieved the other is okay with it. The wedding day comes and goes and the husband and wife start to undress in front of each other for the first time. The bride takes off her dress, unfastens her bra, and as she said her chest looked like a wall with nipples, no boobs at all. Then the groom takes off his suit, drops his underwear, and reveals a monstrously large penis. So large it is almost grotesque. "I thought you said that was going to be as small as a newborn?" she asked. He answers, "well it is, it's 19 inches long and weighs 8 lbs…are you ready?"
At a bar, my friend made a remarkable shot in pool, and I asked how he did it.
He said, "When I am about to take a shot, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to shoot." Then he threw a dart and got a bullseye on the first throw and I asked how he could aim the dart so well. He said, "When I am about to throw a dart, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to throw it." Later, he got in a fight with another guy at the bar. He threw a punch and missed badly. I asked how he could throw such a poorly aimed punch. He said, "There is no punch line."
A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him
"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction. The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasant disrespecting you? Aren't you the king of the jungle? Do something…", "Just ignore him" says the lion "he's just a stupid monkey that isn't worth our time". "Yesterday I fucked your wife reaaaal good and she liked it!" shouted the monkey. "That's it" said the lioness "I'll teach him a lesson and then we'll have a serious talk about self respect" and went after the monkey who started swinging from a tree to the next. The lioness kept running after the monkey, he swings to the left, she goes left, he swings to the right she goes right, and suddenly the monkey missed the branch by a bit and felt on the ground below a hole made of the tree roots. "gotchu" said the lioness as she pounced towards the monkey, who actually was waiting for this to happen, his small size allowed him to get through the hole, while the lioness got stuck. He swung behind her, and fucked her to his heart's content with a dirty smile on his face. That evening the lioness retuned to her home silent, and when she saw the lion she said "you were right, I shouldn't had let that peasant's taunting get to me"… The lion hugged her understandingly and said "yeaaaah, you too got stuck in the roots didn't you? "
After you die, what’s the last part of your body that stops working?
Your Pupils. They dilate.
The NYPD Bragged About a Big Pot Bust. Turns Out It Seized 106 Pounds of Legal Hemp.
https://ift.tt/2NQdAEZ
Why do graveyards have fences?
Cause people are dying to get in.
A movie with a 3.14 rating is a pirated movie.
No text found
Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?
Man: Good news first please, doc! Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you
Where were the first French fries made?
…in grease
To avoid being raped when I went to jail, I stuck a tube of toothpaste up my ass…
…for complete cavity protection…
As a male, if a girl gets undressed in front of you, she is either interested in you or you’re level 100 friendzoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet.
With all the bad things happenning in america right now,
you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.
How are you going to plant any flowers
If you haven’t botany?
The doctor says to me, “I’ve got bad news and worse news”
Me: What's the bad news? Doctor: You've got 24 hours to live. Me: Then what's the worse news!? Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday
What do you call a French guy wearing sandals?
Philippe Philoppe
An Australian General says to a soldier, “Did you come here to die?”
The soldier responds, “No, sir. I came here yester-die!”
I would like to make chemistry jokes on this subreddit
But all the good ones Argon
Courtesy of whoever did this originally. I saw the question, and I took the chance.
https://ift.tt/33R4FtB
The world champion tounge twister got arrested the other day
I heard they're going to give him a tough sentence
We should have known communism wouldn’t work
There were so many red flags.
What’s the fun thing about communist jokes?
Everyone get them
What’s a group of chubby newborns called?
Heavy infantry
I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA…
For my black Jeep.
What is red and smells like blue paint
Red paint
A Guy sat next to me on the train and pulled a out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, "If you think she is beautiful, you should see my missus mate. He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's an optician!"
When you have studied too much organic chemistry the past days and get this advertisement email
https://ift.tt/35x0iF1
Several scientists were all posed the following question: “What is 2 * 2 ?”
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces, “3.99” The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces, “It lies between 3.98 and 4.02” The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces, “I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!” Philosopher smiles, “But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?” Logician replies, “Please define 2 * 2 more precisely.” The sociologist, “I don't know, but is was nice talking about it.” Behavioral Ecologist, “A polygamous mating system.” Medical Student, “4” All others looking astonished, “How did you know ?” Medical Student, “I memorized it.”
