My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
How do celebrities stay cool?
They have many fans.
You know what I hate about cliffhangers?
Find out next week on r/jokes
4 20
20, 20, 20, and 20.
What is the german word for constipation?
Fahrfrompoopin
What’s wrong with Arby’s ?
What’s wrong with Arby’s ?
How to scam a billion Indians to get a million likes
How to scam a billion Indians to get a million likes
I bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
My wife bought a new bra, it’s really hard to unhook.
I don't know why I put it on in the first place.
My wife left me when I became a contortionist.
I should be sad, but I'm knot.
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. “It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.
“Just call me Hoff,” he replied. “Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
Geology rocks, but Geography is where it’s at.
No text found
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run.
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
Why does England feel like it’s two months ahead of us?
It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I finished writing my tortilla joke
That's a wrap
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
"Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
A girl walks into a gun store and falls onto a weapon rack.
The gunstore owner says: She just fell into my arms
What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?
A reptile dysfunction.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by LOOKING AT IT.
It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes.
What do you do if a turkey starts chasing you during a snow storm?
You run away. Turns out you can't just stop cold turkey.
I saw my son scratching his knee
I asked him if he had a 123. Confused, he looked at me and asked what I meant. I stared back and said, you have an ichi ni san.
I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon today.
I'll let you know…
This STEM discord server has enough energy to emit light In the visual spectrum 🔥
https://ift.tt/37QiCtg
Because just like with republicans, it’s only wrong if it’s done against them
https://ift.tt/34LtOGo
I don’t always tell Dad jokes, but when I do he laughs.
No text found
If I got $1 every time a woman said I was’t her type
I'd be her type.
Re-watching it now and the scene at the cement place lol
Re-watching it now and the scene at the cement place lol
Never Trust Someone With Graph Paper…
They're always plotting something.
A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.
While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him. So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without). He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
After all these years, my wife still thinks I’m sexy.
Every time I walk by she says, “What an Ass.”
Did you hear about the two mummies who farted at the same time?
They had a toot in common. Kid loved it and I’m proud of the original content
A guy goes to a Halloween party with a beautiful girl on his back….
The host asks him, "And what are you?" The guy says, " I'm a snail." The host says "And who's that on your back?" "That's Michelle!"…
Why isn’t the submarine doing well in school.
He's below c-level
Advice needed: I was asked to turn on a light bulb.
And I suck at flirting. I’m in the dark on this one.
A farmer in a field had 198 sheep
But when he rounded them up he had 200
What’s Irish and stays outside all year long?
Paddy O'Furniture
I taught my daughter what the word bargain meant…
She said, “Thanks dad, that means a great deal.”