# My gf tried to persuade me to have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic

I refused. If I'm going to have sex with her, it's going to be on my own Accord

## I once swallowed a dictionary…

It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had…

## I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.

I just came to that realization.

## What disinfectant do geologists use?

Clo-rocks

## I always get sad when I crush my drink cans.

It’s soda pressing.

## Why Jesus and the 3.5″ floppy are the same?

They both died to become the icon of saving.

## A thief broke into my house last night looking for money…

So I got out of bed to look with him…

## A lumberjack walks into a magical forest….

A lumberjack walks into a magical forest to cut a tree. He swings his ax at an old oak and it shouts, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!" The lumberjack laughed and says, "Yes! And you will dialogue."

## Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you.

Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

## The creator of the USB drive died yesterday.

He was lowered into the coffin, flipped over, and then lowered again.

## Guy named Eddie walks into the men’s room at a bar.

As he's standing at a urinal, another fellow walks up to a nearby urinal. Eddie glances over and notices the other guy has no arms; both of the sleeves of his jacket are empty and folded over. Armless guy says to Eddie, "Hey buddy, do you think you could help me out?" "What can I do for you?" says Eddie, praying he isn't going to ask what he thinks he might. Sure enough, he does. "I know this is a lot to ask of a complete stranger, but would you mind unbuttoning my trousers so I can take a leak? As you can see, I'm in a tight spot here." Eddie grimaces a little before reluctantly agreeing. He quickly reaches over and undoes the guy's zipper. Armless guy then says, "Do you think you could, you know, pull it out for me? Sorry to ask, but I'm about to piss myself. Eddie says, "You gotta be kidding. You're asking me to grab your dick and aim it towards the pisser?" "Please, man, I don't have any other options here." Eddie, feeling sorry for the guy and feeling pissed off simultaneously, mutters to himself as he reaches in, and gingerly pulls out his dick. As he does, he first of all notices this putrid smell before seeing several open oozing sores on the guy's dick. Totally disgusting. While the guy is pissing, Eddie rushes over to the sink and washes his hands in hot water. As the armless guy finishes up, Eddie grabs a couple of paper towels because he knows what's coming. Sure enough, he gets asked if he'll put it away for him. As he tucks the guy's horrific pecker back into his trousers and buttons him up, Eddie says to the guy, "OK listen, I'm sorry but I have to ask … What the hell is the deal with your dick?! "Beats the shit out of me," he answers, and then produces both arms from inside his jacket and slides them into his sleeves, "But I sure as fuck don't want to touch it."

## Do you know what Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother is called?

Brocco Lee I'll see myself out.

## I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels.

She didn’t know I existed.

## Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and Matthew McConaughey have decided to make a movie together!

Ben Affleck says: "I'll produce it!" Matt Damon says: "I'll direct it!" Matthew McConaughey says: "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write!"

## What do you call a dinosaurs penis ?

Megalodong

## A nun plays golf and takes the Lord’s name in vain

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the Day you spent with your family?" "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a Talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not Relaxing?" "Far from it, "snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today." "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!" "Well, we were on the fifth tee… and this hole is a monster mother, a 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted… and it hits a Bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee." "Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate, but surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs My ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother. "But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this Hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his talons !" "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile? "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!" Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said.. "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

## Why don’t people get up early in Athens?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece

## A man owned a small ranch in Montana,

One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on. “Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher. The rancher replied, “my ranch hand has been with me 3 years and I pay him $1200 per week plus free room and board”. “The cook has been here a year and I pay him $1000 per week plus room and board” “And there is a half-wit. He works 18 hours a day with no days off doing about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board, although I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally. “ The investigator said “that’s the guy I want to talk to!” “You already are” replied the rancher.

## I am on day 9 of quarantine and was wondering if anyone had any porn sites they’d like to recommend other than:

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r/pornvids r/nsfw_videos Meet People r/dirtysnapchat Other NSFW r/randomactsofblowjob r/NSFWFunny r/pornhubcomments r/confusedboners r/dirtykikpals r/nsfw_wtf r/randomactsofmuffdive r/stupidslutsclub r/sluttyconfessions r/sextrophies Armpits cause people like that r/armpits r/celebrityarmpits r/armpitfetish I don’t even know where the fuck this would go section r/dragonsfuckingcars r/SCPORN r/fedlegs r/cummingonfigurines r/dragonbutts r/dragonpussy r/dragonpenis These have gotten boring 😔 Any help is much appreciated. Thanks.

## You’re a unit of power harry

I'm a WATT?? Sorry stole it from a pornhub comment made me laugh

## What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt

## My American friend, Alfred, asked, “What is your favourite shampoo truck?”

I said ,"Lorry, Al."

## What’s a Shark’s favorite type of sandwich?

A peanut butter and Jellyfish sandwich.

## I left some change in my pants pocket

Now my wife is getting accused of laundering money.

## Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?

They were Prime mates.

## I’ve got an injured extraterrestrial in my garage and he’s missing an eye…

I've named him Alen.

## Is dark matter todays version of phlogiston, vitalism, the four humors, steady-state model?

https://ift.tt/2AMo9Xl

## I have sex almost everyday!!!

Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday, almost on Thursday, almost on Friday, almost on Saturday, almost on Sunday

## What did the baby corn say to the momma corn?

Where's pop corn?

## People are so sensitive now-a-days.

People are so sensitive now-a-days. You can’t even say “black paint.” Instead you gotta say,” Jamal, will you please paint the fence?”

## I had a dream I was looking for my brain

But it was all in my head.

## I bought a dictionary and all the pages were blank

I have no words for how angry I am.

## The barkeep says, “Sorry, we don’t serve time-travelers here”

A time traveler walks into a bar.

## What do a midget and a dwarf have in common ?

Very little

## If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on

I would be like… how did I get all these fucking nickels??

## I went to the doctors recently. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?” He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”

## A man is walking to his car late at night

When he sees a woman on a shady corner. He goes up to ask if she's alright and she responds "I'm a hooker, are you interested?" The man decides to live a little and takes her up on her offer and they go back to his car and go at it like rabbits. Some time during, a cop pulls up and knocks on the window. "Excuse me sir what exactly are you doing?" The man answers "I'm having sex with my wife" The cop replies with "I apologize, I didn't know." The man responds with "Me neither until you shined that flashlight"

## After a date

Her: We should have dinner again. Him: No, I'm full.

## Who can drink 2 liters of gasoline

Jerry can

## I was thinking of a joke about Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill, but then it lost momentum.

But it still has potential.

## Steven Hawking said there is no God,

Then God said there is no Steven Hawking

## I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.