My girlfriend and I are trying the whole “long distance relationship thing”
Also, the police say on top of having to stay 100 feet away, I need to stop referring to her as my "girlfriend"
A man died and was sent to hell. The devil was feeling generous and gave him three choices.
The devil took him to the first room. The room was empty except for a pool of scalding hot water. The man saw George Bush, jump into the pool, climb out and jump back in again. The devil said "That's his punishment. He has to jump into the pool for eternity. If you pick this room, you take his place." The man hurriedly asked for option 2. So they went to the next room. This room was filled with rocks. The man could make out Obama continuously smashing rocks. The devil said "That's his punishment. He must smash rocks for eternity. If you pick this room, you take his place." The man asked for option 3. This room was magnificent. It had a massive king size bed, a table full of delicacies and just the works. On the bed, the man saw Trump having sex with Mia Khalifa. The man jumped with joy and exclaimed "This room! I pick this room!" "Are you sure?" the devil asked "Yes definitely!" "Okay then, Mia you can leave. This man here will be taking your place."
What has four legs but can’t walk?
A table!
Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it
Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
Immigrants are good cause they do jobs no American wants to do
Like fucking the president. -Jeff Ross
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
Why didn’t 4 ask out 5
Because he was 2².
I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
What did the big traffic light say to the little traffic light?
Don’t look while I’m changing!
People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks
We really need to raise the bar
My wife said she was leaving me because, “I can’t do anything right when it comes to housework!” Selfish woman!!
It took me hours to mop that carpet!!
My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?”
What a strange way to start a conversation with me…
What is the root of all evil?
25.8069758011
You can’t plant any flowers
if you haven’t botany
I gave all my dead batteries away today…
Free of charge
What did the farmer do when he lost his wife?
He tractored down.
What does a house wear to a party?
Address.
Boudreaux was called up to the Louisiana National Guard. Because he was a smooth talker the CO put him in charge of explaining benefits to new recruits.
After a week the CO noticed Boudreaux had a 100% sign up rate for supplemental insurance. Impressed, the CO sits in on one of Boudreaux’s sessions. “If you boys goes to Afghanistan and you gets yoself kilt, the gubmint pays you benefishary $50,000. But if you gets the supplemental insurance, which only cost tirty dollas a month, the gubmint pays you benefishary $400,000.” “Now, which group you tink the gubmint gonna send to Afghanistan first?”
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today
Should have cooked it at aloha temperature
A German is trying to to make his way to Paris
At the border, the French customs agent asks him “Name?” “Hans Mueller.” “Place of residence?” “Munich.” “Occupation?” “No, just vacation this time.”
Relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!”
I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning
It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.
What’s Batman’s favourite fruit?
Ba-na-na-na-na-na
A son and daughter walk up to their father.
Son: Dad which one of us do you love more? Father: My love for you is like communism. Daughter: So equally? Father: No, it collapsed 30 years ago.
Fred is a hippo who went to University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked him where the medical building was, Fred replied, "it's over there and to the left. I do research on the brain in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
Being a scarecrow is a tough job…
but hay… It’s in my jeans.
A tomb raider goes into a pyramid
She enters the pyramid after hearing that the pharaoh holds a great artifact. She hops and dodges all kinds of traps until she gets caught by a zombie slave. Slave says: I'm going to make you a slave. He forces the raider into the slave room where he jumps on her in sexual intent. She barely escapes and goes deeper into the pyramid. She finishes off other zombie slaves until she gets caught by a guardian. Guardian says: I'm going to make you a guardian. He forces the raider into the guardian room where he jumps on her in sexual intent. She barely escapes and goes deeper into the pyramid. She avoids other guardians and enters the sarcophagus room. The mummy rises and grabs the raider. Mummy says: I'm going to make you a mummy. Raider says: At least you're clear on your intentions.