My girlfriend changed a lot since becoming a vegan
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian
Then Soviet
Wanna hear something funny? Quarantine.
It’s an inside joke.
I spent all night trying come up with a dad joke
When suddenly it dawned on me
You don’t want me to close your wound for you?
Fine, suture self.
My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in. One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
$10
So a guy walks into a brothel. He only has $10 in his wallet, but he's truly desperate, so he asks the madam what he can get for it. She says "nothing. Try your luck in the streets or come back with some money." He says "please, I'm so desperate. Isn't there anything you can do for me?" Reluctantly, she says "well, we have a chicken. I suppose for $10 you can do what you can with that." The guy's unsure, but he hands it over and goes for it. Surprisingly, the chicken feels pretty good. He gets off and goes home. Next week, he goes back to the brothel with $10 and says "hey, can I see that chicken again?" The madam says, "I'm sorry, sir, the chicken passed away. But we do have a show tonight. Admission is just ten dollars." He agrees and squeezes into the auditorium. Two beautiful women are licking each other all over. He nudges the guy next to him and says "hey, this is pretty good!" The other guy says "you should have been here last week. They had a guy fucking a chicken!"
He had a small orange spot on the tippy tip of his chin
that is, until he… scrubbed it!!!
What do you call an octopus with 4 hearts?
An octopus with 1 extra heart. (It’s a learning joke 😁)
A priest told me this joke as a kid.
There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were, Bert, Chester, and Earl. They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to help them live for as long as possible. He broke the news to his friends, and they weren't too happy about it, but they decided to go along with it anyways, because they knew how out-of-shape they all were. It was tough for them all to stick to the plan at times, however they got through it together. They each lost between 120-140 pounds over the course of 20 years and were in amazing shape for their age. One day the 3 of them were given great news. Bert got a call, he answered it, then turned around to everyone and said: "Guys! My daughter just had a child! I'm going to be a grandpa!". Everybody was celebrating for Bert when Earl got a call from his son. He answered it, and turned around to everybody and said: "Guys! My son is going to get married today! I'm so excited!". Everybody was now celebrating for Bert and Earl, when Chester got a call. He answered it, turned around and said to everybody: "Guys! My family is having a reunion today! I'm going to see so many people that I haven't seen in years!". They found out that the wedding, hospital, and park where the reunion was were all in the same town, and decided to carpool together to get there. It had snowed a little the day before and the roads were a little icy. As they were getting onto the highway, their car slipped and ran into a semi-truck. It killed all three of them. The three of them wake up together in heaven. They notice an angel standing over them and one of them asks "Where are we?". The angels says: "Congratulations, you made it to heaven". The angel decides to show them around the place and starts at a banquet. "Here is a banquet for you three to enjoy, you've earned it". Chester looks a little sad, and Earl notices and asks him, "What's wrong?". Chester finally speaks up, "Okay, this is so nice of you to put together, but we're on a diet. I wouldn't want to overdo my calorie intake for the day". The angle replies to them, "No worries, you can have as much food as you like without worrying about it". The guys are elated by that news, when the angel decides to show them another place. Next, the angel decides to show them a place where they can spend time having fun. He shows them to a massive building with games everywhere you look. There are at least 50 pool tables, 30 bowling alley lanes, people are playing poker, there are arcade games everywhere, and tons of people enjoying themselves. He tells them, "This is where you may spend much of your time, if you choose. Many people enjoy it here and you might find some new friends". The guys really like this room, but Earl notices that Chester is looking sad again. Earls asks him, "What's wrong?". Chester responds with, "My wife left me because of my gambling problems, I don't want to disappoint anyone else because of it. I'm afraid I wont be able to enjoy this area". The angel then slightly irritated lets him know, "Don't you see? There are no problems here. You don't have to worry about gambling issues, because money isn't an issue here". Chester is especially happy to hear that news, and the angel decides to show them where they are going to live. The angel finally takes them to the third place, and it is a huge mansion. The guys are led inside, when the angel says, "This is where you three can live, if you choose to. Otherwise we have some other mansions, if you want to live alone". The guys are very intrigued by the house, they notice a big window on a wall with an amazing view. They could see for at least 5 miles clearly. They all can't help but gasp when looking through the window. Earl can't help but be concerned about this place. He decides to ask, "So, uh… What's the rent here?". The angel looks back at them with an irritated glare are replies "Nothing? It's free". Earl is sure to thank the angel and says, "Wow! That's so kind of you guys!". Bert notices that Chester is looking a little sad. Bert says, "What's wrong Chester? Isn't it amazing here?". Chester looks up, looks Bert in the eye and says a little mad, "If it weren't for your goddamn diet. Bert. We could've been here 20 years ago!".
Any one can take my old batteries from me without paying
They’re free of charge
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi.
Guy Ritchie movies taught me all the British slang I know
Guy Ritchie movies taught me all the British slang I know
A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. “I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, your parent’s souls, your grandparent’s souls, and the souls of all your friends.
The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"
Why is the horse so happy?
Because he lives in a stable environment.
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me 😁
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I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup…
I told her I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete in a tournament yet.
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
My wife got me a hideous leather jacket, but I don’t mind wearing it.
I’m easily suede.
(Long joke, continues in body) Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.
His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below. Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist… yet no one before Sam had ever reached one. And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note… And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings. And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter… until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal… until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful… it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there. Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam. The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief. The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated. The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7."
– Do you know I’m finally going to watch “Back to the Future”?
– It's about time!
My friend went to prison for something he didn’t do.
He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg
Who keeps the children
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a soda comes out, who does the soda belong to… me or the machine?"
Why did the doctor get angry ?
Because he lost his patients .
Creating a joke is one thing. But delivering it is another.
I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.
Cockroaches are found to be capable in surviving a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly
This shows how toxic the media is
An artist and a scientist see a rainbow…
The artist says "That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen" The scientist replies "Unfortunately it has no use" The artist says "Can't you just appreciate it's splendor? It has every color that exists in it" The scientist concedes "Ah, so it does have porpoise"
The old farmer said, “ Well as I see it, Donald Trump is like a Post Tortoise”
The man, not being familiar with the term, asked what a ‘post tortoise’ was. The farmer said, “When you’re driving down a county lane and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that’s a post tortoise. The farmer saw the puzzled look on the man’s face so he continued to explain. “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he’s elevated beyond his ability to function, and you wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with.”
Spelling An L
Is down-right easy
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey! Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.
Why do police get to protests early?
To beat the crowd.
If life gives you melons
you might be dyslexic
Why is Cinderella bad at soccer
She always runs from the ball
2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says “hi”, first.
Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.