My girlfriend changed when she became a vegetarian
Its like I had never seen herbivore
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind it's tearable.
Why did the blind man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well
A roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says…
"Five beers please."
I was surprised to find that “Trailer Park Barbie” doesn’t come with bruising on her body
Then I realized battery not included
A policeman knocked on my door this morning…
A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence. After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away. Then he decided to look through the window. He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door." I said, "You're not coming in mate!" He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear Sir, We have terminated your internet service due to illegal copyright violation practices. Sincerely, Your ISP
Why didnāt Dwayne Johnsonās downstairs neighbor recognize him?
Because heās been living under a rock.
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
They're both cauldron.
Once long ago, a fisherman heard beautiful singing while he was alone a at sea.
He followed the enchanting voice till he came upon a singing yellowfin tuna. He knew he had found something incredible. He caught the fish, kept it alive and returned home. He showed his friends and posted videos on tik tok, and the singing fish went viral. It could sing almost anything, but Pavarotti was it's favorite. The fisherman toured around the world with the fish and set up a website to sell merch. The clothing he made sold like crazy, so he ordered thousands of short sleeve shirts to be made in advance. Unfortunately, the fish died, and the public lost interest. The fisherman was left with endless opera tuna tees.
Ah yes… because boomers were the only ones that got injured from playing outside. š
https://ift.tt/340rTxe
My favorite pornstar died last night.
I woke up today with mourning wood.
What do you get if you cross a sheep dog with a daisy?
A Collie-flower!
I entered myself in a Most Beautiful Boner contest.
The competition was pretty stiff.
Why were the Native Americans the first to come to America?
Because they had reservations
Me: Can I leave work early? Boss: Only if you make up the time.
Me: Ok, 45 past 60. Boss: Youāre fired.
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they donāt know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, āI know what weāll do. After Iāve operated on the priest, Iāll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.ā āDo you think it will work?ā she asks the doctor. āItās worth a try,ā he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, āFather, youāre not going to believe this.ā āWhat?ā says the priest. āWhat happened?ā āYou gave birth to a child.ā āBut thatās impossible!ā āI just did the operation,ā insists the doctor. āItās a miracle! Hereās your baby.ā About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, āSon, I have something to tell you. Iām not your father.ā The son says, āWhat do you mean, youāre not my father?ā The priest replies, āIām your mother. The archbishop is your father.ā
Elevators are a lot like urinals
Everyoneās looking down, nobodyās making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.
Doctor : Does it hurt?
Mother : Yes, a lot. Doctor : So are we vaccinating the baby, or should I slap you again?
You hear a cancer joke and it makes you laugh…
… until you get it.
Due to Political correctness Dick Van Dyke is having to change his name
Heāll now been known as Penis Truck Lesbian
Wife: “I shaved down there. You know what that means…”
Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."
Just heard about a dwarf who was pickpocketed
How could anyone stoop so low?
I just turned 18 so now I shouldnāt need my glasses anymore
Iām still waiting for my adult super-vision to kick in
I got mugged by six dwarves last night.
Not happy.
