My girlfriend doesn’t like to argue about Indian food.
She's pretty naan confrontational.
Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors, it'd be a chicken sedan.
Dave walks into a bar
He is served a pint of lager. "1 penny please" said the barman "1 penny? a pint of lager is just 1 penny? said Dave "That's right, all beers are just a penny today" said the barman. after he had about 5 pints, he asks for a bottle of wine "That's also a penny a bottle, in fact you can have 3 bottles of wine for just 2 pennies" said the barman. Dave can't believe it, this is the greatest bar ever. He orders 100 bottles and still has change in his wallet. "How much for a whiskey" he asks "Whiskey is free today, in fact all spirits are free..what would you like? said the barman Dave orders every full bottle from all the shelves and calls for a taxi to take him home and to load up all the booze. Before he leaves he says to the barman "Sir, you are the greatest bar owner I have ever met" "Oh I'm not the owner" said the barman "I just work here" "Where's the owner?" asks Dave "He's in a hotel somewhere with my wife" "What's he doing with her there there?" asks Dave The barman replied "The same thing I'm doing to his business"
In an elementary school English class, kids are learning the word “contagious”. Teacher calls on students, asking them to use it in a sentence.
“Susan?” “I had a flu and mommy made me stay home for 3 days because I was contagious!” “Very good. What about you, Johnny?” “Our neighbor Mrs. Henderson has started painting her fence last night, daddy says it’s gonna take the contagious!”
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
What’s the difference between acne and a priest?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.
My bald dad commented on my hair earlier.
He said I had hair like an emo. He wasn’t too happy when I said he had hair like a chemo.
I made a pencil with two erasers.
To be honest, it was pointless.
I may have gone overboard helping my 7th grade daughter with her science project video.
https://youtu.be/22ekP1YaHVg
I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger
Then it hit me
I recently became addicted to viagra..
My wife has been taking it really, really hard.
Tell the Punchline first.
How do you ruin a joke?
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
The other day I beat my son at dominos.
I was going to wait till we got home, but the little shit dropped the pizza.
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
You look a bit flushed.
Did you heard about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
What do you call a colour that doesn’t exist?
A pigment of your imagination
*pulls candy bar out of thin air*
Kid: WOW are you a magician? Me: no, but I have a couple of twix up my sleeve
My wife just admitted to me that she broke my favorite lamp.
I don’t think I’ll be able to look at her in the same light ever again.
Why do HK police go to work early?
To beat the crowds.
There was a little boy who needed $10 and he prayed to God for two weeks to get the money…
But nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God to ask for the $10. When the post office was to sort out the boy's letter addressed to 'God, America', they decided to deliver it to President Donald Trump. The President was impressed, touched and entertained by the boy's letter. He told his secretary to send $2 to the boy. The President thought it would be a lot of money for the little boy. The boy was happy to receive money from God, so he sat down to write a thank-you note that read: Dear God, thank you for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it via Washington, and as usual, the devils took 80% of it!
If Jesus was real, they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…
They would call it the crucifact.
What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A – meano -acid
A homeless man meets a rich man on Christmas Eve.
The homeless man asks the rich man, "What'd ya get for your wife this year?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Tesla." The homelesa man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them." The homeless man nods. The rich man proceeds to ask him, "Well, what did you get your wife this year?" The homeless man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The homeless man proudly reponds, "Well, if she don't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."
At first, I wasn’t so sure about keeping a beard, but
It has grown on me
You know, I was looking at our ceiling the other day. It’s not the best…
But it’s up there.
An Indian and two Pakistanis sat on a Plane.
An Indian got a seat between two Pakistanis on a plane. Relaxing, he took his shoes off. Soon enough, he got hungry. "Hey, I'm going to get myself a snack. You guys want anything?" He asked the Pakistanis. The man to his right said he would like a Coke. "Of course." said the Indian. "After all, Indians and Pakistanis are Brothers!" When the Indian went to get the coke, the man who asked for the Coke spit in one of his shoes. Once the Indian came back, the guy to his left asked him for another Coke. He happily obliged. While he was gone, the man spit in his other shoe. Soon enough, the Indian returned, with the Coke, of course. After everyone had settled down, and the Pakistanis had had half their Cokes, the Indian put his legs in his shoes and sighed. "How long will we keep doing this, brothers? Spitting in each others shoes, pissing in each others Cokes?"
Life cycle of the male sex drive
Age 16-32 : Tri-weekly Ages 32-55: Try-weekly Over 55: Try-weakly
I named my eraser Confidence…
Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make.
Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die…
Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘ As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challenge given and goes first. She notices the swamp barely reaches her ankles and thinks ‚Well, that‘s what you get for lying. At least, I did it for a better Europe.‘ Curious about how the others are doing, she looks behind her and sees Putin covered in mud up to his knees. Furiously, she shouts: ‚This is impossible! Your reign was a dictatorship, you influenced world politics and economics to your benefit and you’ve achieved all that only by telling lies. How is it possible you‘re only knee-deep in this swamp?‘ Calmly, Putin answers: ‚Hush! I‘m standing on top of Donald and he hasn‘t noticed yet.‘ Edit 1: Fixed a typo Edit 2: Thanks for the silver, kind stranger! Also, hi r/awardspeechedits
Scientists got bored of watching the earth spin for 24 hours.
So they called it a day.
Me 2 weeks into 2024 (Tomorrow is March 1st)
Me 2 weeks into 2024 (Tomorrow is March 1st)
When I was younger my parents made me walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money.
She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?' The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.' The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?' 'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.' 'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that way, up and down, turned it around, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.' The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the *lawyer was banging his head against the wall.* He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland '
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“You know, one would have been enough.”
How did the vegan start eating meat?
Cold turkey.
Today I got complaints about my dog chasing people on a bike
I immediately took away his bike
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects ‘fuck’ to ‘duck’
You’re still using fowl language.