My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
Are you tired of boiling water every time you make pasta?!
Just boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later!!
My dad always told me I can’t get a wife overnight.
He was right. International shipping takes a few days.
I was captured by ISIS after Iran away
Now all I’m China do is to survive
Electrician gets home late…
Electrician didn't get home until after 2am. His wife asked "Wire you insulate?" He replied, "Watts it to you, I'm ohm, aren't I?"
What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
A depresso
Why is the plane on r/woooosh?
Because it flew over your head.
A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!” “Well, what should I do?” asks the man. “Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breasts.” The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yards, straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can’t wait for her lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard.” “What can I do?” asks the wife. “Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s thing.” The wife listens carefully to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. “That was great,” the pro says. “Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you’re supposed to!”
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as a choir boy.
If you ever think times are tough, just imagine being a pig.
Two out of three little ones have no household.
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket.
You can hide, but you can’t run.
Why did the duck get arrested?
Because he was on quack
“I’ve just had the worst time” the boy said.
"First I had angina pectoris, and then arteriosclerosis. As I was recovering, I got psoriasis. Hypodermics was followed by tonsillitis, and lastly they gave me appendectomy." "Wow!" said his friends."How did you survive?" "I don't know" said the boy. "Toughest spelling test I've ever had"
Why are physicists so serious all the time?
They understand the gravity of the situation.
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They’re efficient and not very funny.
So i stubbed my toe this morning…
My toe hurts but The Opera Director Next door was very impressed
My husband asked why I never blink during sex.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
The CEO of Valve walks into a bar with two of his associates…
The bartender asks “What can I get for you?” The CEO responds “We’ll have one drink and two drinks please.” The bartender replies “So three drinks?” “What the hell is three?”
My girlfriend was born without her little toe and the sight of her foot makes me physically ill.
My therapist said I'm lack toes intolerant.
I just found out that a distant relative of mine was a cannibal and ate 3 people.
That’s a lot to digest.
How much does a socially awkward penguin weigh?
Not enough to break the ice.
I just started my own business where we weigh tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
I just got a new job at a bicycle repair shop.
I’m their new spokesman.
Me running my code again without changing anything expecting it to suddenly compile
https://ift.tt/3bpzR73
My wife didn’t think I would name our baby daughter something ridiculous.
But I called her Bluff.
4 people having sex is called a foursome
3 people having sex is called a threesome Now I know why they call me handsome.
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp…
He rubs the lamp and a genie pops out! The genie says that he will grant the man only one wish, and that he has to pick from three choices. He can either be the richest man in the world, the most popular man in the world, or the wisest man in the world. The man says "We all know that money does not bring happiness, and that popularity just makes you a slave to the whims of others, but wisdom is everlasting. I want to be the wisest man in the world." The Genie goes "poof" and suddenly the man's face assumes a serene expression. He sits down, rubbing his chin in thought. Then he looks towards the genie and says, "I should have taken the money".
Due to the Covid crisis, the Indian bakery in my neighborhood is going through some tough times.
They fired all Naan essential staff.
My Aunt who spends hours on Candy Crush on her Kindle thought this was hilarious.
https://ift.tt/2HaGbSP
I
J
What kind of bees produce milk ?
Boo bees
My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back