My girlfriend has started to smoke after sex
So now we use lube
Teacher : Why didn’t you come to the school yesterday?
Student : My dad is in the hospital 1 week later.. Teacher : Is your dad still in the hospital? Student : Yes, he is a doctor.
I’d like to tell you my corona virus joke.
Hopefully you won't get it.
termites on a date
Waiter: What would you like to order, sir? Termite: Table for two.
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic Association
A Cockroach and a Cricket were talking
Cockroach: Jiminy, you look so tired. What's wrong? Cricket: Well, Damian, my Firefly neighbor has kept me up every night for the past week with her loud music, and I have talked to the landlord multiple times, and he still won't do anything about it. Cockroach: Gosh, Jiminy, that must really bug you.
Sometimes I think I have a superiority complex…
But then I realize I’m better than that.
It got removed from other community but I think I can post here. Too good to let it pass…
https://ift.tt/2X4DFVt
In college, all the fraternities rejected me because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
Thank god this guy is going to have sex with a billionaire actress half his age.
https://ift.tt/2yRNP3u
A husband died
A husband died. A few years later, his wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes. "Darling, oh how I've missed you!" The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says, "Woah there woman. The contract was until death."
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after one gets a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
Is it still called beef when vegans fight
It depends on what's at steak
I refuse to insult someone by saying that they have mental issues
Only retards do that
My wife was mad at me for kicking ice cubes under the refrigerator,
but now it's just water under the fridge.
Donald Trump asks the Queen the advice
Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?" Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," says the Queen. Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence. "Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one." Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall. Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it? General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster." Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off
[NSFW] Did you hear about the drug addicted duck?
It couldn’t stop getting high on quack
I went to the shop and bought a thesaurus but when I got home, when I opened it, all the pages were blank.
I had no words to describe how angry I was.
Why is the horse so happy?
Because he lives in a stable environment.
I’ve been happily married for ten whole years.
And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.
Today I got complaints about my dog chasing people on a bike
I immediately took away his bike
The first time I got a universal remote control
I thought to myself, "This changes everything!"
I took a bath with bubbles
No text found
My wife screamed in pain during labour
I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!” “I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
Three guys are staying on the top floor of a 600 story hotel.
They return from a party one night and discover that the elevator is broken, so they have to take the stairs to the 600th floor. They decide that in order to pass the time each of them would tell a story. For the first 200 floors, someone would tell a happy story, then for the next 200 one would tell a scary story, and for the last 200 one would tell a sad story. This strategy worked well for the first 400 floors. It was now time for the last guy to tell a sad story. For the next 100 floors, the last guy tried his best to come up with a story that would move his friends to tears, when finally, he stopped on the stairs. "Guys. I have a sad story now." The others stop and face him. "I left the keys in the lobby."
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the hungry shark?
Do not comsume if the seal is broken
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.
An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
How does an octopus go into battle?
Well armed
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After a particularly nasty one, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this, so the following day, he walked in and said, “Class, did you hear about the shortage of whores in India?” all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies!” cried the professor. “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”
What do you call a beehive with no exit?
Unbelievable
![[NSFW] Posted by an actual boomer on my facebook](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/mzradmnz4j441-400x325.jpg)