My girlfriend has the same first name as my sister
It makes it really weird when I'm fucking her and I think of my girlfriend.
Did you hear about the Erectile Dysfunction Anonymous meeting?
It's alright, nobody came.
At a bar, my friend made a remarkable shot in pool, and I asked how he did it.
He said, "When I am about to take a shot, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to shoot." Then he threw a dart and got a bullseye on the first throw and I asked how he could aim the dart so well. He said, "When I am about to throw a dart, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to throw it." Later, he got in a fight with another guy at the bar. He threw a punch and missed badly. I asked how he could throw such a poorly aimed punch. He said, "There is no punch line."
A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption…
She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East. Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have been. After months of searching, the investigator comes back to her with only a single photo of the boy adopted out to the Mexican couple. "There's no photo of the other child!?" the woman says, dismayed. The investigator shrugs. "Geeze, lady! They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
So I killed 5 zombies and a vampire…
… I'm just trying to figure out why they were all carrying bags of candy 🤔
A scottish man was found dead after a serious bar fight…
The police are still searching for the person who kilt him.
FINALY, my clock-fetish sex tape arrived in the mail…
…it's about fucking time.
Hitler’s Game
During the Second World War hitler and his troops storm into a village and gather the people in the village to the square. Hitler wanted to shoot the people there but decided it was too boring. He came up with a game where the wifes would need to identify her man only by touching his dick. If she failed at this game, Hitler would kill her whole family. He ordered his troops to seperate them and put blindfolds on the women and open the dicks of the men. They call the first women to play the game, she goes "not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, aah yes that one". She saves her husband and family. Next women comes "not mine, nope, no chance thats mine, nop, aha yes this is him". She also saves her family. This goes on for a couple more rounds and nobody dies, Hitler gets bored. To add some excitement he orders couple of his men to join the group, and then calls in the next women. She goes "not this, nope, not mine" then the turn comes to the soldier and she furiously shouts "Who the fuck is this?!"
The urge to sing the lion sleeps to night is just
A whim away a whim away a whim away
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing so his friend calls 911
''My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, Ok, now what?
What did the grape say when it was stepped on?
Nothing…. it just let out a little wine.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it leaves you and never comes back.
I told my friend that he really shouldn’t be using a straw and he replied, “Yeah, I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment.” I said, “Sure, there’s that…”
"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."
I got a job as a bullet…
I was fired immediately.
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
He's disqualified.
Someone threw a beer at President Trump during last nights National Championship Game.
It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.
My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as inspiration when naming my kids.
However, his sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.
I used to love blowing air at people’s faces…
…but I'm just not a fan anymore
I asked the surgeon: can I administer my own anaesthetic?
The surgeon said: go ahead, knock yourself out.
If you push the envelope…
…is it still stationary?
I had sex with an almond tree once
It was at that point in my life i realized i was fucking nuts.
Whats the name of the most badass debt collector?
Bond. Legal Bond.
A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. So I called the cops.
He must be a part of some extreme mist group.
Why was the boxer in the furniture shop?
He was shopping for beddingdingding.
My wife told me I needed to grow up, I was speechless.
It’s hard to talk when you have 45 gummy bears stuffed in your mouth
I’d like to tell my lasagna joke here,
…but it’s multi-layered and way too cheesy
Just read a book about the history of glue
I couldn’t put it down
Big shoutout to my great grandmother!
She can't hear me otherwise.
American tells to his Russian colleague:
"When Trump passes by, we all swear, spit, and throw rotten fruit on him" The Russian: "When Putin passes by, we all piss on him" The American: "I exaggerated a little – we swear whispering, spit aside, and while throwing, we don't hit". The Russian: "And I exaggerated too – when we piss, we don't take off our pants".
My wife said that this subreddit was full of stupid, unfunny puns…
But this post I made a couple hours ago says otherwise