My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.
She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.”
Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.
She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?”
I got up and went straight to my car.
My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said “I knew I could trust you.”
Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
My wife is amazing
She just bought me a $500,000 life insurance policy and a free all-inclusive trip to the Dominican Republic!
What is a weightlifter’s favorite city?
Gainesville
People shouldn’t look down on lazy people.
They haven’t done anything!
I put adderall into my Ford Fiesta
Now it’s a Ford Focus
Great Aunt shared this on Facebook, thought someone here might be able to decipher?
https://ift.tt/2VfhPh8
What did the grape say when it was stepped on?
Nothing…. it just let out a little wine.
On Endor, how does a gentleman end a fight?
Ewocs away
How many bones are in your hand?
About a handful
What do you call a group of mountains?
Hilarious.
How do you turn soup into gold?
Add 24 carrots
When I was getting my prostate exam, I asked the doctor where I should put my pants.
"Over there, next to mine" wasn't the answer I was expecting.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
I need a special pair of spectacles to read legal documents…
Contract lenses.
Axe Body Spray responded to Netflix’s tweet “what’s something you can say during sex but also when you manage a brand twitter account?” And responded with “Now 33% bigger.”
What they should have said is "we will make you gag".
I don’t understand why people celebrate pi day
It’s irrational.
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket.
You can hide, but you can’t run.
Where does Elsa order her sandwiches?
The arenDeli.
“Un, deux, trois, quatre”, radioed the French ship…
…before it cinq. "Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence. "Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres. "One," radioed the British ship before it went two. "Won," radioed the American sub.
We cannot allow this year to end!!
That would be admitting that 2021
Was walking down the street yesterday, seen an ad in the shop window. “T.V FOR SALE, €1, VOLUME STUCK ON FULL”
I said, can't turn that down.
Before I die
Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn. That should make the cremation a little more interesting.
It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods
But it’s harder to deter gents
Where do sasquatches live?
Sasquatchewan!
I hate it when people confuse one social media for another
Edit: Thanks for the likes
Why don’t aliens come to our solar system?
They checked our ratings. One star.
So President Trump wants to abolish the two term limit on the Presidency.
Welcome back President Obama we missed you.
I asked my friend how much getting a vasectomy changed his sex life.
He said there was a vas deferens.
What do you call a bear covered in strawberries
To be honest even I dont know u choose
My child keeps saying small groups of words together
Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
I need a raise.
Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you? Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you? Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years. Boss: Yes. Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first. Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time. Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade. Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound? Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir! Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you? Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!
What’s the difference between an African Elephant and an Asian Elephant?
About 3,000 miles.
This cancer game is easy
i'm already on stage 4
I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.
How many lumberjacks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
'Bout tree fellers.
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer “That’ll be five dollars”, says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.
The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc. The next day, again. On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor and yells "here's your change asshole!" The guy looks down at the coins and says: "I'll have another beer, please."
So the Pope is having a conversation with Aliens from Mars.
Pope: "Do you know Jesus?" Alien: "Oh, Jesus. Great guy. He comes to our planet twice every year." Pope: "Every year?! It's about two millenniums and we're still waiting for his second coming." Alien: "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate." Pope: "Chocolate?" Alien: "Every time he visits, we gather the best chocolate from each manufacturing plant and give them to him before he leaves. Why, what did you do the first time he came here?"
