My girlfriend just accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
I thought my son was spending way too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
How many syllables does the word gloria have?
Christians: 18
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could have done for him.
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together
My girlfriend asked me to stop singing wonderwall
I said maybe.
My dad didn’t laugh so hopefully you’ll enjoy.
Chatting on the phone with my dad while he was at work. Dad "I've got a light on my helmet so I look like a miner" Me "No, I would say you look about 40" Not even a chuckle from him π
The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me!
On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.
A miller tells the king his daughter Edith can spin straw into gold.
So the king locks Edith in a room with straw and tells her she will die if she can not spin straw into gold. After awhile a small man appears to the crying millerβs daughter. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What saddens you young girl? EDITH: My fatherβs big mouth has gotten me in quite the predicament, if I can not spin this straw into gold I shall be hanged tomorrow morning. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: cackles I can help you, but at the cost of part of your name. I will spin the straw to gold, but if I do, I will take a letter from your name; unless, of course, you can guess mine. Edith graciously accepts and watches as Rumpelstiltskin spins all the straw in the room into gold, saving her life. Finally, Rumpelstiltskin gives her one last chance to save her name by guessing his name. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: So young girl, what is my name? EDITH: Alas, I know not. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: cackles Then your name is mine! Edith accepts her punishment and is still grateful for the help. EDIT: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
why don’t we ever see elephants hiding in trees?
because they're hiding.
Our leaders vs local newscasters showing the importance of social distancing.
https://ift.tt/3djWjzY
Going to open a new restaurant …
I am getting ready to open an Asian/Mexican fusion resturant…I am calling it Juan-Ton
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American,
an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub ……………………………. The doorman stops them and says sorry I canβt let you in without a Thai.
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb
Let's go ride bikes!
My wife wants to have sex over the telephone.
The bed might be easier though.
What do you call an academic trucker?
A roads scholar.
Did you know if you took all the human blood vessels and layed them out end to end
You would go to prison and they would make a documentary about you. You sick fuck
According to the psychiatrist, my mind thinks that I’m a plant.
It's really hard to be leaf.
Most people mistakenly believe that βBagger 288β was built for coal mining
Most people mistakenly believe that βBagger 288β was built for coal mining
I keep telling myself to quit drugs
Like I'm going to listen to a drug addict
Serve alcohol at a party and nobody bats an eye
But serve laxatives and everybody loses their shit
Why did Karen press CTRL + Alt + Delete?
She wanted the Task Manager.
If you bought a DeLorean…
Would you drive it a lot, or just from time to time?
What do you call a dog on a U-boat?
A subwoofer.
A photon checks into a hotel.
A photon checks into a hotel. – Do you need help with your luggage, sir? – No, i'm travelling light.ο»Ώ
On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed…
someone had written the word βpenisβ in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldnβt find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class. Tuesday, she was again greeted with βpenisβ on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the dayβs lesson. Every morning for the rest of the week, βpenisβ was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, sheβd had enough. βThatβs enough,β she sputtered. βI β I canβt believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!β On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: βDonβt you know β the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?β
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator