My girlfriend keeps accusing me of being a cheater
She's starting to sound like my wife
I just watched a program about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
In Germany, A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, “That’s not it” and put it down again.
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
How do you call someone who overuses CAPITAL LETTERS?
Capitalist My sincere apologies in advance 😉
If you can guess the number inside this post, I’ll give you $1,000,000! (hint: it’s between 3 and 5)
4.29784569834593847593845938745 Awww… so close!
If I had a dime for every time I didn’t understand what’s going on, I’d be like…
"Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
Who’s bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s baby?
Mr. Bigger's baby because he's a little bigger.
As my Dad used to say, “when one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, lousy cabinet maker though.
What’s the fastest way for Harry Potter to get down the mountain?
Running, jk rowling
4 people having sex is called a foursome
3 people having sex is called a threesome Now I know why they call me handsome.
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
i made this in under 2 minutes because i thought about it and needed it to be done
https://ift.tt/374H6j5
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm.
I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
Why did Tesla read newspapers?
To know about current events.
I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta
Now it's a Ford Focus
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The Zookeeper said it was bread in captivity
My dad has a pencil that was once owned by Shakespeare.
It's so chewed up that we can't tell if it's 2b or not 2b.
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.
He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
My cousin is mute and likes to communicate via embroidery
I guess it's a version of sign language, sew to speak
The Cringe is strong here “Hey everyone! I’m a programmer and this is a programmer shirt!”
https://ift.tt/36At2xd
Did you know there was a Knight who always refused to fight in battle?
His name was Sir Render.
I want to start running twenty four-hour gyms
And they’ll all be open from 11 to 3 daily
Do you know what’s the difference between toilet paper and the shower curtain?
No? SO IT WAS YOU!!!
What rock group has four guys that don’t sing?
Mt. Rushmore.
I didn’t know the local railroad workers were good at singing
But I heard they were recently working on a new track
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favourite religious holday was. He said
"Have to love Easter, baby…."