My girlfriend refused to have unprotected sex
I understand, she is deadly allergic to nuts.
Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?
All the walls are load-bearing.
My girlfriend just accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
How come Michael Jackson sings so high?
He used HeHelium
Two termites walk into a bar
One asks ‘Is the Bar tender here?’
One morning at a doctor’s clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.
The doctor examines him and asks him: "Tell me what happened to your back…?" The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out of the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I was very angry. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him. It was very heavy… That is how I strained my back.!" Later that day, a second patient arrives as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said: "My previous patient looked bad.. But you look terrible.. What the hell happened to you ?" He replied: "You know I have been unemployed for a while now. Today was the first day at my new job… I forgot to set my alarm and I was late… I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time. And you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge. I don't know how and where from this fridge fell on me…!!!" Before closing hours, the third patient comes. He looks like he was punished in hell. The doctor is shocked. He asks: "What the hell happened to you..??" The patient replies: "Well, It started like this, I was in a fridge………."
What is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is big and heavy and one is a little lighter.
Viagra shipment stolen.
Cop looking for a bunch of hardened criminals.
I’ll let you have this roof for free
It's on the house
Bad knock-knock joke #4
Knock knock. Who’s there? Amish. Amish who? You're not a shoe, you freaking idiot.
What do you call an octopus with 4 hearts?
An octopus with 1 extra heart. (It’s a learning joke 😁)
Me: Did you know that abbreviating names might be sometimes confusing?
GF: Really? Me: Yes. George Foreman: How so?
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.98, deer nuts are under a buck.
My wife asked me whether my friends and I experimented with drugs and sex when we were in high school.
I said, “Yes. But I was part of the control group.”
I walked in on my wife on the scale.
She didn't look pleased so I said "suck in your stomach!" She quickly replied, "that's not going to help" I retorted, "it might let you see the numbers"
Kids in a class are learning how to use the word “definitely”
One girl says “the sky is definitely blue” that is wrong One boy says “the leaves are definitely green” that is wrong One boy asks “are farts lumpy?” The teacher says no, He says “then I definitely shit my pants”
I got gas today for $1.39.
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
Not mine but I can’t find the original creator, if you find them pls contact me
https://ift.tt/2whrgE2
I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm
If you can’t come, let me know
“They’re just doing their jobs, we don’t know what happened before the incident”
https://ift.tt/2XDVY5z
I told the doctor at the ER that I could do my own stitch work.
He replied “Okay, suture self”
I used to hate facial hair.
Then it grew on me.
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, “My hands are freezing cold!” The mother replied, “Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.”
The daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day, the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!"
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I broke one of my fingers at work today.
On the other hand, everything is OK.