My girlfriend said that quilts are better than duvets..
I told her she should be careful making blanket statements like that.
What’s all this nonsense about nothing flying at Gatwick airport.
My drone's been flying about there all morning no problem.
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour…
I said, “Wait, I can change!”
The secret service aren’t allowed to yell “GET DOWN” anymore if the president is about to be attacked.
Instead they say, “DONALD, Duck!”
Did you know that having too much sex causes memory loss?
Or at least that what page 137 figure II part B of my middle school science textbook said.
Qassem Soleimani is so popular today.
I mean he just blew up overnight.
When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa…
When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally took a misstep and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried. I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about. I'll never forget the pain of my first case of kid knee stones.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
How many dead people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Apparently not 17, cuz my basement is still dark
I think my family is racist
I've been nervous for weeks, but I finally decided to introduce them to my Spanish girlfriend My kids refused to talk to her and my wife started crying and told me to pack my things
An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician…
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy." The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!" He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers. "Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy." The man continues to keep his cool. "I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!" He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society. "Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician. The spy smirks. "But I still think you American spy." The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed. He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!" The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest. The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka. After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar. In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good… but I still think you are spy." The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up. "Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?" The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."
My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kaye and Elle.
I introduced my friend to my daughter Beth
He asked me, what’s Beth short for? I thought it was really rude, she’s only three
A British man, a Fench man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.
They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed. The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scared. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain. The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy. While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?" The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy." The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?" The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."
I accidentally drank a little food coloring earlier today..
https://ift.tt/34eN8fL
I just saw the worlds biggest pair of glasses
It was quite the spectacle
What is this, some kind of Boomer joke that I’m too Millennial to understand?
https://ift.tt/2H77fSO
I adopted a goat for my son called Roxanne.
"I wish you'd called me something else," he often says.
What’s the most cryptic animal language?
Horse code
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
At ten feet I told the the joke and everyone laughed. At twenty feet, same result. At fifty feet no one heard me…
Guess I went a little too far with that joke.
A weekly newsletter of unhinged email chains sourced from thousands of real boomers
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What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?
I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face before.
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
A man wanted to have sex with a nun
A man wanted to have sex with a nun he saw every day at the bus station. One day, when they got on the bus, he asked her to have sex with him, but she refused. The bus driver heard their conversation and after she got off the bis, he told the man " Every night, she goes to the cemetery to visit Father Martin's grave, who died a few years ago. If you want to have sex with her, go to the cemetery dressed in black with your face covered and say: Maria, it's me, Martin. I have come to have sex with you before i go to heaven." The man did just as he was told. When he goes to the cemetery, he sees the nun staying in front of a grave with her face covered. The man approached her and said he was Father Martin and wanted to have sex with her. She said: "Fine, but do it in the ass so i can stay a virgin." After the man had sex with her, he uncovered his face and said: "Ha! It was me the whole time!", but then the one he thought was the nun turned around and said: "Ha! It is me, the bus driver!"
Just called the tinnitus hotline
It didn’t stop ringing
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi.
I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.
It reminds me why there’s no money in there.
Condom expiration dates are a little misleading
because I get sick no matter when I eat them.