My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.”
"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
One day, someone asked him where the medical building was, Fred replied, "it's over there and to the left. I do research on the brain in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
They all looked shocked when I didn't stop
A look over the shoulder.
“There’s gold in them/their hills.”
"From the top of your head, usually," I replied.
"Saved For Later"
One weighs upwards of 1800 pounds, the other is a little lighter.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
We do it in schools because we have class.
It’s currently half empty.
They have no Seoul .
Cop: You ARE the lawyer Me: So where's my present?!
So I put my foot down
Wife: How? Lawyer: I’m not sure, but he has 2000 DVDs of the movie for some reason.
They are a big part of pop culture
Anyone can learn to roast beef.
the letter “f”
It's so chewed up that we can't tell if it's 2b or not 2b.
To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo.
Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it…
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
I would be a felon. Not because I have a big dick, but because I ran over several children on purpose.
Guess who came crawling back
Well, it's 2:30 now and she hasn't walked at all
Because they can't keep a straight face
Never mind, you won’t get it.
You never know when there may be a salad dressing.
Does it mean you hit rock bottom
Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike." Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."
On my desk, I have a work station.
Because there's no post on Sunday
I was in the ladies bathroom.