My girlfriend sat on my keyboard…
I told her, " You must be sitting on the F5 key, because that butt is refreshing." …
She said, "No it's Alt +F4". I just got shut down.
I keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia.
Which is the one about being in a closet?
Juuls aren’t that bad
They are just USB sticks And when you exhale, you get cloud storage.
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you…..
You have my Word.
How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Ceasars.
Bad Hitler puns are inführeriating.
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Why do people never eat clocks?
Because it’s really time consuming.
I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers
But then I quit cold turkey
Why are catholic priests called father?
Because “daddy” would be too suspicious
An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard…
He sits down and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?" "Yeah, a costume party." the man answers. "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln!" protests the bartender. "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." He sighed ….. "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box……."
People hate the police so much these days…
…that even Sting has stopped performing "Every Breath You Take."
I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he’s had
He started counting but fell asleep.
Do you remember the 21st night of September?
I remember it like it was yesterday.
What’s a great example of click bait?
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Europe is like a fridge
You have the freezing cold part at the top Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection Then down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease
What do you call a five foot psychic that’s escaped from jail?
A small medium at large.
A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.
He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play. One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus. The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right up and began play. There was no doubt that the octopus was an excellent guitar player. The man paid his handler $50 and sat down. Another man brought a saxophone to the octopus. The octopus took it and stared for a bit. After a minute or two the octopus began playing a deep and soulful jazz solo. This man paid his $50 and sat down. The bartender went into the back and brought out a set of bag pipes. The bartender said, “I’ll bet $100 that the octopus can’t play these bagpipes.” The man agreed and handed them to the octopus. The octopus sat there eying the bagpipes up and down for quite awhile. The handler began to get nervous so he said to the octopus, “Hurry up and start playing the thing” The octopus replied, “Play it? After I figure out how to get the pajamas off her I’m gonna screw it”
Why was the green melon happily married and the orange melon single for life
Green “hon I dew” Orange “Can’t-elope….”
I beat my swimming coach in a boxing fight.
He threw in the towels.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
A robber enters a bank, he pulls out a gun, and he shouts: “Everyone on the ground. This is a robbery!”. Immediately, everyone in the bank drops down with their hands on their heads except for one man reading a newspaper.
The man lowers his newspaper and begins to stare at the robber with an amused look on his face. It makes the robber angry, so he walks towards the man, puts the gun to his face, and asks him: "what so funny, ha? You want to get shot?". The man's amused look turns into a smile as he answers the robber back: "You are joking right?". The robber, bursting with anger, places the gun one inch away from the man's face and says: "Say that again. I dare you". The man, who was previously completely relaxed, is now getting a bit worried. He lowers his newspaper further and says: "No, really. You are not serious, are you?". The robber sticks the gun into the man's forehead and threatens with a more serious tone: "One more word and I swear I am pulling the trigger". The man, no longer showing the slightest hint of amusement, says: "Look, there is a first time to everything, but this is unbelievable. Do you really have any idea of what you are doing?". "that is it!" the robber snaps. "I have a gun, you are unarmed, everybody else is scared to death, and there are zero guards in here! Don't you understand the situation? I completely got this under control!". At this point, the man puts down his newspaper with an honest, concerned look on his face. He looks the robber in the eye and says: "Dude, this is a blood bank".
The people from Stockholm in Sweden must really love it there
They never seem to leave
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection…
Except the movie Up. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Whats the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a brain surgeon…
But apparently, I was too young…
Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired, “What makes you say that?”
“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He PASTAway
Pope gets a lesson
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!" The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
What did the pilot say when I opened the window?
WHAT?! I CANT HEAR YOU!
Roommate: If you keep stealing all my kitchen utensils than I’m moving out!
Me: That's a whisk I'm willing to take.
My Uber passenger texted me before I pulled up to the pin…
I receive a ping 3 miles away as I’m approaching the ping I get a text “ honk your horn excessively until I come outside when you get to xxx address I’ll tip $20”. So I pull up to the pin and start blowing my horn for a solid min. My passenger comes out looking a little annoyed he gets in and we head to his destination. We pull up to his house and his dad is standing outside waiting for him, he greets him and asked how his ride was, he said the drive was great but the fucker blew his horn non stop until I came outside. His dad said that’s weird and handed me a $20.
Why didn’t congress impeach Trump ?
Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
I just lost my mood ring
I can’t tell you how I feel about it
People often ask why I’m so good at Dad jokes and it’s simple.
I take an ordinarily terrible pun and take it even father.
My wife is mad at me for not having a sense of direction
So i packed up and right.
What do women and grenades have in common?
Take the ring off and the house is gone
My wife just admitted to me that she broke my favorite lamp.
I don’t think I’ll be able to look at her in the same light ever again.
We’ve got a Polish sound guy
Cheque one too