My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man,
So I stuck it in her ass and said, “Yeah, you like that Steve.”
Also, the police say on top of having to stay 100 feet away, I need to stop referring to her as my "girlfriend"
It’s the roughest bar at the end of the roughest street in town. It’s full of the scariest, meanest bikers you ever saw. Swaying slightly, he scans the room and stops when he finds the biggest, toughest-looking guy in the place. He stumbles over to the guy’s table, points at him and says in a loud voice: “I FUCKED YER GRAMA, YOU SON OF A BITCH!” Place goes dead quiet. The big guy doesn’t move, but he also doesn’t take his eyes off the old man. “You hear me, asshole?! I FUCKED her every which way for HOURS, and you know what? She LOVED it!!She BEGGED for more! What do ya think of THAT?!” The biker says nothing. This just makes the old man angrier. “What’s the matter with ya, ya pussy? Ain’t you got nothing to say?!” Slowly, the massive biker rises to his feet . . . . . . and says . . . “Let’s get you home, Grampa. You’re drunk.”
He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.
A ginger bread man. Just came up with this. Sorry for your eyes.
You get 8 more!
Tell a redditor a joke he will post it for a lifetime
I guess I should have put it on aloha temperature
She's pretty naan confrontational.
Dead ant, dead ant. Deadant deadant deadant, dead ant, DEAD AAAANT. Deadant.
He said, “Now who is being presumptuous?”
So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland
“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
I was really embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set. So I quickly threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
He lost the other in Nom.
She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings.
I have selfish steam issues.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
2, 3, 5, and 7 are the prime suspects.
My existence is ignored except for when they need something.
My wife’s favorite song is “Ain’t No Sunshine” by Bill Withers and she reminds of this every single time it’s on the radio…
I reply, "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know…"
I asked my 18 siblings and they don’t know either.
She couldn’t see that well
To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo.
Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.
My family and I walked into the lobby and as we were checking in, I whispered to the desk clerk, “I hope the porn is disabled.”
The guy looked at me in shock and sputtered, "It's just regular porn, you sick perv!"
One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.
When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers “Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you’ll be safer if you stand up.”
He couldn't say
It becomes a laughing stock. You better upvote this because… It’s Humerus.
She said, "That's a stupid name." I said, "Now you're gestating the Obvious."
that if a woman says "smell this" it usually smells nice
But it's a price I'm willing toupée.
Husband: Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad Wife: No you’re not.
There are three people on a boat, all smokers. They have a total of four cigarettes, but no matches. How do they manage to smoke?
They throw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.