My girlfriends favourite position is 6.9
Personally, I prefer it without the period.
They should make a film series about a guy who uses candles as weapons.
Call it John Wick.
geology totally rocks but geography is where itβs at
iβm new to this subreddit ππ½ββοΈ
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers
Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.
Cop 2: Hate crime? Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. Thatβs why Iβm a cop.
Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.
Confused, I asked him what he was doing… He said: βJust checking my balance.β
Man: I would like to return a defective boomerang.
Shop owner: Sure. Where is it? Man: I have no idea.
I woke up this morning, looked down at my hands, and heard a voice yell, βDeath to America!β
I think I might have terror wrists.
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, ….
He will be rolling in his grave.
Barber: Mr. Bond, you are turning old and grey. Would you like me to colour your hair?
Janes Bond: No thanks. Dye another day.
What do websites and people have in common?
They both use cookies to improve their performance
Why did the pacifist refuse to eat in the Italian Parliament’s cafeteria?
The cooks a-salted everything
I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me…
I thought, βThisβll be wasted on drugs and booze.β So I just gave it to the homeless guy.
I’m not very good at making memes but this opportunity couldn’t be passed up. Ugh
https://ift.tt/31nixtU
Einstein finally developed a theory about space…
It was about time too! badoom chaaaa
Being an Amputee is a blessing and a curse…
On one hand, I have fingers. On the other hand, I donβt.
My family treats me as though Iβm a god…
…ignoring my existence until they need something.
I recently opened a restaurant.
I guess you could call me an EntrΓ©e-preneur
A schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a football fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are football fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand? "Because I'm not a football fan, " she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well if you are not a football fan, what sport are you a fan of? "I am a basketball fan and proud of it, " Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a basketball fan? " "Because my mum is a basketball fan, and my dad is a basketball fan, so I'm a basketball fan too!" "Well, " said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a basketball fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then? Mary smiled, and said…………… "then I'd be a football fan."
My son asked me, βDad, what is coincidence?β
I said, βWeird. I was about to ask you the same thing.β
How much time do you have to fix your parachute?
The rest of your life.
An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard…
He sits down and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?" "Yeah, a costume party." the man answers. "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln!" protests the bartender. "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
I for one, like Roman numerals
No text found
Why arenβt all oceans one depth?
Theyβre inconsistent seas.
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test …
… and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.β The father responded, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
I just watched a program about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
A thief pointed a knife at me and said “your money or your life”
I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.
Whats the difference between Me and a Calendar ?
a Calendar has dates.
My wife thinks Iβm a light sleeper. I disagree.
I sleep in the dark.
Why did Waldo wear stripes?
Cause he didn't want to be spotted!
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are so good at it.
Which Disney Park ride has the most area for people to wait?
Space Mountain.