It was Mike the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar." The lady then added, "The breakfast was my idea."
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight Professor X: that's not going to help us Me: yes I see that now
My dad’s answer to everything was alcohol.
He wasn’t a drunk, just awful with crosswords.
At first, the alphabet only had 25 letters.
Nobody knew why.
Have you all heard about the monk who claimed to see the face of jesus in a tub of margarine?
He said “i cant believe its not Buddha”
[nsfw] Girlfriends sister tries to seduce me
I went to my girlfriend’s house expecting to see her. It was my girlfriend’s sister ( very beautiful) who opened the door in a slutty dress. She asked me to enter the house and said no one is coming home for another 5 hours, she then placed her hands on my shoulders and came close to me. I stopped her and left the house. I got into my car and immediately someone knocked on the door, I looked around to see my girlfriend. And her dad, mom and sister were standing outside. I got out of my car and my girlfriend hugged me tight and said it was a test and you passed. Her parents and sister also hugged me for being a good boyfriend. Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car
Did you know the first French fry wasn’t cooked in France?
It was cooked in Greece
My dad asked me why there was a lion and a witch in my wardrobe
I said its Narnia buisness
My sister won’t let me hold her baby anymore…
Last time I held my sister’s baby, I dropped it. It wasn’t even a big deal, but she started freaking out. It was an accident! Just an accident, no big deal. What happened was, after I was holding the baby and I inevitably dropped it, we start arguing and she’s overreacting big time. She called the cops, said I did it on purpose, blah blah of course all the while I’m denying it. She’s all red in the face screaming at me But my real question is, who brings a baby to the Grand Canyon? Nah I’m just kidding, my sister doesn’t have kids Anymore
So we all know that 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 ate 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to have 3 squared meals a day
A priest is walking through the jungle when he comes upon a hungry lion.
Just as the lion goes to attack, the priest crosses himself and says, "Lord, if you can hear me, please instill the Holy Spirit in this beast's heart." The lion stops in his tracks as a bright light begins to glow around him. He looks to the sky, folds his paws in prayer, and says, "Thank you, Lord, for this meal."
Hitler’s Game
During the Second World War hitler and his troops storm into a village and gather the people in the village to the square. Hitler wanted to shoot the people there but decided it was too boring. He came up with a game where the wifes would need to identify her man only by touching his dick. If she failed at this game, Hitler would kill her whole family. He ordered his troops to seperate them and put blindfolds on the women and open the dicks of the men. They call the first women to play the game, she goes "not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, aah yes that one". She saves her husband and family. Next women comes "not mine, nope, no chance thats mine, nop, aha yes this is him". She also saves her family. This goes on for a couple more rounds and nobody dies, Hitler gets bored. To add some excitement he orders couple of his men to join the group, and then calls in the next women. She goes "not this, nope, not mine" then the turn comes to the soldier and she furiously shouts "Who the fuck is this?!"
I was thinking about the first time machine I ever built.
Ahhh, it takes me back.
I’ve got my corduroy pants, my corduroy shirt, and my corduroy hat…
One more piece of clothing and I’ll be one whole Roy!
So I decided to build a Restaurant on the moon
The food is great and all but there's no atmosphere.
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.
Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.
"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion. He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do. The doctor pauses a moment and says, "Can I give you some non- medical advice?" "Sure, anything, Doc. I'm desperate! " "Are you religious? the doctor asks. "Not at all," says the patient. "Well," says the doctor, "I encourage you to join the Mormon church. Go to every service, get involved with every group and small organization you can and completely immerse yourself into that religion. I mean, EVERY aspect of it you can." The patient perks up and is feeling hopeful. "Will that extend my life?!" "No," says the doctor, "But it'll be the longest fucking 6 months you've ever had."
Sperm donors wanted
Please come quickly.
My girlfriend dumped me so I stole her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
What language do oranges speak?
Mandarin.
I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas
It was motherfucking gold
What’s the difference between the 1920s and 2020s?
Depression happens at the start of the decade now.
So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19…
Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?
I just saw a documentary on beavers.
Best dam show I've ever seen.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for fresh prints.
If big feet means big dick and big car means small dick…
Then no wonder people are so scared of clowns.
Why did Mozart get rid of all his chickens?
He asked them who the best composer was and didn’t like their answer.
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing.
We went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy, wants to be a web designer.
What do you call an alien with three balls?
An extrateressticle
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
In a dad-a–base