My good night text to my girlfriend
Me: Oh yeah, what was it on? Her: Paper. I was so proud.
ME: I can’t afford that PIZZA GUY: Well you’ll have to pay some other way. ME: [takes out wallet] Wait I forgot I had 30 dollars. PORN DIRECTOR: Cut! The fuck are you doing?
Would you drive it a lot, or just from time to time?
A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, “I would like to join this damn church.”
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." And with that said, the secretary leaves her desk and walks into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money." "I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
Yesterday my seven year old son asked me "where does poo come from?". I was a little bit uncomfortable but I gave him an honest explanation. Then he looked at me a little perplexed for a few seconds and then he asked "And Tigger?"
He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.
The second one’s a repost.
It's not me, iReddit somewhere.
That’s a ton of money!
She's easy to turn on, gets hot quick, and if you put a baby in her she'll kill it. .
We got a long well.
because of my insecurities. Wait, she's back. Just went out to pick the mail.
I can never understand y.
but she was just pulling my leg.
My mom looked at my dad. My dad clenched his fists. My mom screamed: "NO DON'T DO IT" …. My dad, breathing heavily: "HI GAY, I'M DAD!"
Because they love the high Cs.
I didn’t say anything because he might take a fence
I asked little Johnny why he started doing so well in math after we sent him to the Christian school.
He said he didn't want to end up like the guy they nailed to the plus sign.
Honestly, I should’ve seen the signs.
Because she couldn’t control her pupils.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
But none of them work
(Edit: no, you won’t)
and I woke up bald
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When I was little, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive..
It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
She said, "You can't do this to me!" I said, "I know… that's why I'm doing it to her.