My grandad always used to say “as one door closes, another opens”.
A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.
Found at my parents house (translated from German). Kids bad, technology also bad!
https://ift.tt/2DZG1vD
I once asked my grandfather how he’d lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning." I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys…..
And I gotta say that's true because I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey
A thief pointed a knife at me and said “your money or your life”
I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.
What happens when potatoes smoke marijuana?
They get baked.
What does my iPhone drink to refuel?
Apple juice
Me: I think I have a crush on Beyoncé.
Her: Whatever floats your boat. Me: No. That’s buoyancy.
Get a bunny.
It'll put hare on your chest.
What do you call Nikki Minaj’s butt crack?
Silicon Valley.
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
My neighbor and I are good friends. So we thought we share our water supply.
We got a long well.
They fired me from the calendar factory
I don't know why. I just took a few days off.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West….
….could have been avoided completely if cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
A cowboy walks into a bar…
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though."
I was having anal sex..
I was having anal sex with my girlfriend. Her father suddenly slammed the door open and started screaming at her. "Dad, I'm sorry!", she said. The father turned to me and, from the top of his lungs, he started screaming: "Are you fucking sorry?"
My girlfriend told me I was disgusting for licking the bowl after I finished.
I guess she's used to most people just flushing.
I love to tell dad jokes
Sometimes he even laughs
Donald Trump – “I’m not orange!”
“Impeach.”
Helium walks into a bar
The bartender says, "Sorry but you're gonna have to leave; we don't serve noble gases here." Helium does not react
Did you hear about the mathematician’s son who hated negative numbers?
He stopped at nothing to avoid them.
If I had to rate our solar system,
I'd give it one star.
I stayed up all night trying to think of a joke.
And then it dawned on me.