My grandad killed 50 German pilots in WW2
He wasn't a very skilled mechanic.
My mum said ” A way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
Good lady; awful surgeon.
My son joined a group of people that are sexually attracted to young horses.
I'm worried he may be in a colt
Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall.
As he turned and sneered at me, I thought, "that's a little condescending."
To anyone suffering from paranoia…
You are not alone
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?
None they just beat the room for being black
You were named after Adolf Hitler.
He was named first!
Iβm voting for an old, senile, racist, sexist, white man with rape allegations this year for president.
But Iβm still not sure which one to pick.
Before you get angry at someone, walk a mile in his shoes,
That way you will be a mile away and have his shoes.
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme…
Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have have two dollars AT LEAST. And the guy above me? Heβs got tons of dollars.
Little Johnny
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied. The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself.
I know many jokes about unemployed people
but none of them work
I like to cook dangerously
I take whisks in the kitchen
βI canβt believe that youβve been visiting prostitutes for sex,β my wife screamed at me. βIβm really disappointed.β
βYou can hardly blame me,β I answered. βItβs not like I was getting any from you.β βWell, thatβs your own fault,β she replied. βYou never told me you were willing to pay for it.β
If Poly means many then…
Politics means Many Bloodsucking Insects
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
βYes, we arson.β
Jesusβ brother, James: Boss, my brother just died. I need the day off.
Boss: No problem. (3 days later) James: Boss, my brother is in town. I need the day off. Boss: Wait a second…
Went to a zoo that only had one animal in it, and it was a dog.
It was a pretty Shih Tzu
How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. Never split the party.
What do you call the Italian hood?
The Spaghetto.
So i stubbed my toe this morning…
My toe hurts but The Opera Director Next door was very impressed
I was mugged by 6 dwarves last night.
Not Happy.
I am reading a book called βThe History of Lubricants.β
Itβs non-friction.
Why didn’t the angry customer want to hear what the employee had to say?
She wasn't Karen about any opinion but her own.
My buddy jokingly asked me, “If I shagged your wife, would that make us related?”
I said, "No man, that would just make us even."
I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day.
All it was doing was collecting dust.
Two guys go moose hunting…..
A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario. He tells them that heβll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane wonβt be able to take off with more than one moose. The next week he returns, and sure enough the hunters have bagged two moose. The pilot tells them thereβs no way they can take off with the two moose. Ted says, βI donβt know, the pilot last year took off with two moose.β To which Bob adds, βYeah, but maybe he wasnβt a total pussy!β Not wanting to be outdone, the pilot loads up everything and they start to move down the lake. The plane is gathering speed, but the pines on the shore are rapidly approaching. Finally the plane gets airborne, but one wing clips the top of a tree. The plane spins, crashes into the trees, and breaks apart. Sometime later Ted regains consciousness and begins searching for his buddy. He finds him, and when he wakes him up Bob asks, βDo you have any idea where we are?β Ted replies, βI think about 200 yards further than last year.β
What two things can you never eat for Breakfast?
Lunch and Dinner (not an original, but I thought it was funny :p)
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss
The shovel was one of the greatest invention
This invention was ground breaking
A racist man walks into a bar…
He sees a black man sitting casually at the side, and is disgusted by the sight of him. He then waves to the bartender and says, "I'd like to order a beer for everyone here except the black guy." As everyone else is treated to a beer, he looks back at the black man in hopes of getting a reaction out of him. The black man still sits casually, this time with a smile on his face. Confused and annoyed, the racist man waves again to the bartender and says, "another round for everyone except that same man." As everyone else enjoys their second beer, the racist man looks back again at the black man, who is still smiling. visibly angered, the racist man calls the bartender over a third time and orders a another round of beer for everyone except the black man. He then looks at the black man one more time, and sees him laughing. Furious, he rushes back to the bartender, points at the black man and asks, "Okay, what the hell is up with this guy?" The bartender then replies, "Oh, you didn't know? He owns this place."
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans
