My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
Parents are supposed to wrap empty boxes to put under the tree. Then when the children are naughty, throw one in the fire.
But what if they run out of children?
I’ve opened up a restaurant called “Karma”
There is no menu, you get what you deserve.
A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.
The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees. “How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself. Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work properly. “Hmm, it looks okay,” says the server, and starts the chainsaw. The man jumps back in shock and cries, “What’s that noise?”
The other day my best friend met his fate after accidentally falling into a printing press at work.
You probably read about him, he was in all the papers.
A murderer who had poisoned his victims with iron supplements eventually and inadvertantly poisoned himself.
When he realized his mistake, he immediately called the police and confessed to all of the killings before laying down upon his death bed awaiting his own end, the same end that he had inflicted upon so many others. News media quickly came to the hospital and the killer was eventually asked two questions by two seperate reporters, one question following the other so quickly that he could not respond to the first before hearing the second. The first reporter asked, "How did the coffee taste that tipped you off into realizing you had poisoned yourself?" Where the second reporter blurted out, "How would you describe this situation where you have killed yourself by the very means you used to kill others?" The murderous man only responded once before breathing his last breath: "Irony," he replied.
My friend told me to stop acting like a flamingo
So I put my foot down
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.
Me: Thanks for reminding me.
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank his tea before it was cool 😎
A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted.
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?
Because today they got into a fight, and 2021! Happy new year y’all!
Why is Pavlov’s hair so soft?
A lot of conditioning
What rock group has four guys that don’t sing?
Mt. Rushmore.
All the animals came to the Ark together. Even the insects came in pairs.
Except the worms, they came in apples.
What do serial killers and fat girls on tinder have in common?
They both know how to hide their bodies.
Welcome to invisibility class
Disappointing to see so many of you here
I couldn’t think of a basic joke.
Then I had an OH moment.
I don’t get why everyone wants Trump to be a peach…
When he would look perfectly natural dressed as an orange.
My partner and I can never agree on vacations.
I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.
A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.
As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?" And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"
My friend changed his name from William to Lawrence
That’s how a Bill becomes a Law.
I went to the doctors for the first time in a long while. He told me I had a piece of lettuce hanging out of my ass
I told him it’s just the tip of the iceberg
How do Disney princesses screw in a lightbulb?
They hold the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them
Last saturday I went to a stand up comedy event
The only joke there was me, so you can imagine how bad it was.
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site.
The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled… "SUPPLIES!!"
Ducking Hilarious Dad Joke
How did the duck fail to rob a bank? It couldn't quack the safe!
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop…
to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?’ The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’ The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’ ‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.. ‘ The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’ The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’ The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.
If you put a picture of yourself in a locket,
you could say you are… Independant
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other…
“Do you know how to drive this thing?”