My grandfather says he survived mustard gas and pepper sprays during war.
He's a seasoned veteran.
Why are gay people always laughing
Because they can't keep a straight face
A few minutes ago, my wife turned to me and whispered, “I want u so badly.”
We are playing Scrabble, and she has a Q that she can’t get rid off.
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh
Nothing, it's on the house Edit: found out I accidentally reposted. Sorry people but happy holidays
Had my Tesla stolen the other day
Now it's an Edison
My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!
It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house
I never understood why people are surprised to hear Elvis died on the toilet.
Historically it's rare for a King to leave the throne alive.
What’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe?
400 Million dollars
To all my friends this holiday season, if you’re going to be drinking, please don’t drive.
The other night at a party, I got a little tipsy, so I left the car behind and took the bus home. It was great because along the way, while cars were being stopped for breathalyzers, the police just waved the bus right through and I was able to get home. In the end, I had no idea I could drive a bus, but I did a pretty good job
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
My friend sent me this and after 2 days of research I have no clue what it means
My friend sent me this and after 2 days of research I have no clue what it means
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?
To get to the other side.
My wife always screams during sex
But, it’s usually when I walk in
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
My asian parents are actually very supportive of my career path
They let me pick which medical school I'm going to
Why is your nose in the middle of your face ?
Because it's the scenter
Robin: “Batman, this is Robin”
Robin: "I'm calling on the batphone, from the batcave. The batmobile won't start!" Batman: "Have you checked the battery?" Robin: "what's a tery?"
Mistaken identity
A guy goes into a drug store looking for some disinfectant. He walks up to an employee in a white uniform and asks her "Excuse me, do you sell any products here that will kill the Corona Virus?" She says, "ammonia cleaner". . . He replies, "Oh sorry to bother you, I thought you were a pharmacist."
As a scarecrow they said I was outstanding in my field..
But hey, it's in my genes.
Yesterday, I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person…
Today, I lost my job as a bus driver… This world is too cruel for the kind hearted.
A man sits next to another man on the train and pulls out a photo of his wife “isn’t she beautiful?”
Other man: “If you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife” First man: “Why? Is she a stunner?” Other man: “No, she’s an ophthalmologist”
When you think of 2020, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?
Coronavirus, right off the bat.
I shot my first turkey today…
Scared the heck out of everyone else in the frozen food section.
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
Oregon Trail
You’re walking along the Oregon Trail and you meet a guy named terry. You laugh at him as say Terry is a girls name. Terry shoots you. You’ve died of dissen terry.
Hear the one about those corduroy pillows?
Been leaving headlines everywhere
iron told carbon a joke so funny…
that he decided to steel it
My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
I am scared of E minor.
It gives me the E B G Bs
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.
He’ll be born in February.
What do you call a blind dinosaur
A doyouthinkhesaurus
Two lesbians and two gay guys are driving to the beach. Who gets there first? nsfw
The lesbians because they’re doing 69 the whole way while the gay guys are still at home packing shit.
I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe
I don't care how big a spider is, nobody steals my fucking shoe.
Yes
https://ift.tt/2Hh05xn
I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
The genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Steve replied, “I wish I was rich!” The genie nodded and said, “What’s your second wish?”
Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"
What’s with these stingy ducks
They can’t get rid of their bills
Why can you never trust trees?
Because they seem shady.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
I guess you could say it was bread in captivity
The only date I have for Valentine’s Day
Is February 14th.