My grandfather told me that he saw the Titanic. He warned everyone that it would sink but nobody would listen.
He told people a few more times and then he was kicked out of the cinema.
I ordered a thesaurus online, but when it arrived and I opened it, the whole book was empty, all pages blank!
There are no words to describe how mad I am!
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
I finally watched Doctor Who.
It was about time.
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
Why do the riot police always arrive early to protests?
Because they like to beat the crowd.
Why do elephants drink?
To forget
I’ve been reading ‘Lord Of The Rings’ and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life…
Must be the same ring I put on when I got married…
My sex life is hot like the Sahara desert.
Just two palms and no dates.
I want to tell a joke about Nearly-Headless Nick.
But I'm afraid I won't execute it properly.
I wish I could travel back to 99 and do this myself!
I wish I could travel back to 99 and do this myself!
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago, her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.
Finally, Anna said sheβd go out, but didnβt know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, βMum I have someone for you to meet.β Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Paris. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties β he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, βWhy the black panties?β She replied: βMy upper half you can see, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.β He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same β she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit, but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked: βWhatβs with the black condom?β He replied, βI want to offer my deepest condolences.β
Why can’t pencils move?
Because they are stationery I am not sorry I will be glad if i make at least a few people smile
Did you know that cucumbers are good for your memory ?
Because I got one stuck in my ass a couple years ago and me, my family and doctor still remember it vividly
What was the name of the werewolf YouTuber?
Lycan Subscribe
Why is it so dark in the Apple factory?
They have no windows.
To be frank,
I'd have to change my name
Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks
I really want to work at a place that sells mirrors
Itβs something I could always see myself doing
My penis was recently in the Guinness Book of World records
At least until the Librarian caught me.
Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why is no one friends with Dracula?
Because he's a pain in the neck.
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman: Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place. Man: Aww….! Are you single? Woman: No, I am a Dentist.
My wife is constantly changing her name, but gets mad at me when I call her the new name.
Sometimes it's hungry, sometimes it's tired, sometimes it's angry. Please help.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a odd-job man and started with a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
My priest is a lawyer.
He's my father in law
A man is driving down a country road
A man is driving down a country road when he loses control of his car and ends up in a ditch. He gets out of the car and knocks on a farmhouse door for help. He explains his situation to the farmer. The farmer gets his horse and they walk to the crash scene. The farmer then uses rope to tie the horse to the car"Pull, Zoomer, pull" the farmer shouts, but the horse doesn't move."Pull, Radar, pull" the farmer yells again, but again, the horse stands still"Pull, Dasher, pull" yells the farmer, but the horse stands like a rock."Pull, Dusty, pull" shouts the farmer, and the horse finally gets the car out with minimal effort.The driver is dumbfounded so he asks the farmer, "why do you call your horse different names?""You see," the farmer replies, "Dusty is blind. If he knew he was working by himself, he wouldn't have pulled."
In case you were wondering, chocolate identifies as female.
Preferred pronouns are Her/she
I work in a shop called The Masochist.
I hate it so much that I work there seven days a week.
How heavy is a Jew
Chances are he Israelite
People ask me where I store all my dad jokes.
In a dad-a-base