My Grandfather warned people the Titanic would sink
No one listened.
But he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre
When I die, I hope to go quietly in my sleep. Like my grandfather. …
… Not on fire and screaming like everyone else on the bus he was driving.
Why are the stakes so high?
Because the cows ate a lot of grass.
Paratroopers from England, Scotland, France and the US were on a plane…
During World War II, four paratroopers each from England, Scotland, France and the US, were on a plane about to jump when they realized there was only one serviceable parachute. The French paratrooper downed a glass of cognac, said "Pour la France!" and jumped without the parachute. The American downed a glass of bourbon, said "For freedom!" and jumped without the parachute. The Scotsman downed a glass of whiskey, said "For Scotland!" and threw the Englishman.
How do astronauts say sorry?
They apollo-gise
We’ll We’ll We’ll…
…if it isn't autocorrect…
How do you murder mass?
You killagram
You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for….
Times new ramen!
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.
I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 Seconds’ DVD.
It was here a minute ago.
Time flies when you’re throwing watches…
No text found
Day Job
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to hand him the money. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much,to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 year
My dad just got me good.
My husband has been making a lot of pizza lately. He ferments the dough and I have been naming each batch with a pun. The current batch is Yeast Lightning. I texted my dad and asked him to help me think of some new names. He texted back "Just rise to the occasion."
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong.
“Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" “Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. “Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally built up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." “That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." “Sensible" says Jeff. “So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." “And what happened then?" “I kicked her in the face."
People think that being a taxi driver with dyslexia is difficult.
It's as easy as C, A, B.
I used to think i was indecisive, now I’m not sure.
No text found
I sent my my deceased cat, Mittens, to be stuffed.
But the taxidermist only did her back half. It was a cat-ass-trophey.
I dig… You dig… He dig… She dig… We dig… They dig…
Now it's not a very beautiful poem… But it's quite deep
Scientists got bored of watching the earth spin for 24 hours.
So they called it a day.
The boss caught an employee drinking at work.
He said: -"You can't drink while you're working!". The employee replied: -"But I'm not working". They both laughed a lot, and he got fired.
To the person who took my antidepressants:
I hope you’re happy!
I just slipped on a banana skin.
I look ridiculous in it.
Keep the earth clean
It’s not Uranus
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar…
and are followed by 'Batman!'
Why should you never play poker against the Queen of England when she is sitting on a toilet?
Because you can't beat a royal flush.
That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke, and get no reaction.
I guess all the good chemistry puns argon.
A Soviet army is walking through a finnish field in 1939 during the winter war. Suddenly a voice yells at the other side of a hill.
The voice says: "one finnish soldier is equal to ten soviets" The soviet commander sends ten soldiers to the hill. They hear gunfire, then silence. Soon the same voice yells again: "One finnish soldier is equal to a hundred soviets!" Angry soviet commander sends a hundred soldiers to the hill. They hear gunfire and screans followed by a longer silence. Soon again the same voice yells: "One finnish soldier is equal to a thousand soviets!" Now furious, the soviet commander sends a thousand soldiers and a tank to the hill. They hear even more gunfire and explosions. Then silence. One heavily wounded soviet soldiers crawls from the hill and yells: "Commander! Dont send any more troops, its a trap! Theres two of them!" (I know this joke is super old but idgaf)
I asked a friend why she prefers Russian porn
She said because Russian porn gets me Soviet
I’ve just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
What I if told you
You read the title wrong
Golf Joke…What do you call the part of the body in between the vagina and rectum?
The driving range, because that’s where you hit your balls
I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta
Now it's a Ford Focus
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it sinks, girl ant and if it floats, buoyant
It’s been 4 years since my last job interview
I’m beginning to suspect they got someone else