My grandfather, who was in the army, once told me, “1940, I met my first love. 1946, my second. 1950, I met the woman of my dreams.”
“It was quite a hectic evening.”
How to confuse beginners
Whats red and smells like yellow paint
How Will They Pay For It?
Finally finished my huge book on the history of clocks.
It's about time.
My 10 month old son is learning to wave.
At dinner I asked him where the light was so he pointed at it. I told him to wave hello to the light and luckily he did. I then looked my wife dead in the eye and told her that was the hi-light of his day.
I just got banned from /r/fashion
Apparently they didn't like my threads
We have hit 20,000 members! Thank you all!
Firstly I’d like to thank each and every one of you who had joined this subreddit. This subreddit full of memes that I, myself, don’t even understand. 20000 people, that’s just… wow!It is an honour to serve this community and every single one of you members, new or old.Secondly I’d like to say how activity in this subreddit has been at an all time high, we are getting more posts than ever, of course that means more reposts, and posts that break other rules that our subreddit has, but on behalf of the moderation team, I’m here to assure you that we have you covered, we want to make sure you only get the highest quality posts when you look at r/sciencememes.I hope to see you again when we hit our next major milestone.If you ever need me, or any other of the moderation team feel free to use ModMail, if you see a post or comment breaking the rules, don’t be afraid to report them.🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳
Surprise dad joke from my wife
I will preface this by saying I work in IT. The other day we were watching tv when my son started playing in front of the screen. The first statement I could come up with was “you’ve got to sit down your dad’s not a glassmaker” My wife’s response was “but he does work with Windows” I am a proud husband.
America in one pic
The inventor of auto correct died last week…
Restaurant In Peace
A farmer in a field had 198 sheep
But when he rounded them up he had 200
I was going to share a joke about planes.
But I do not think it will take off.
Unexpected error on line 34
Another old meme
Minecraft is inevitable
I thought my TV broke…
I was watching a documentary about how polar bears’ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when all of a sudden my TV froze. It’s okay though, it was just on paws.
I was addicted to soap
But now I'm clean
Seth Myers is a modern sage.
As I approach 50, my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers…
So I have. She's 25 and her name is Candy.
My doctor said I only have 5 more days to live…
So I killed him and the Judge gave me 40 years!!
Filthy little diphtheria
Life before the computer
Symptoms include aging, gray hair and sore joints.
Helen Keller once described a cheese grater…
…as "the most violent book I've ever read."
But why you eat them all
Took my mother-in-law out last night.
Loving my new sniper rifle.
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot’s uniform. I thought it was a bit odd…
Then I realized, he was one of those plane clothes cops…
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing.
We went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy, wants to be a web designer.
Why, God? Why?!
Three guys are staying on the top floor of a 600 story hotel.
They return from a party one night and discover that the elevator is broken, so they have to take the stairs to the 600th floor. They decide that in order to pass the time each of them would tell a story. For the first 200 floors, someone would tell a happy story, then for the next 200 one would tell a scary story, and for the last 200 one would tell a sad story. This strategy worked well for the first 400 floors. It was now time for the last guy to tell a sad story. For the next 100 floors, the last guy tried his best to come up with a story that would move his friends to tears, when finally, he stopped on the stairs. "Guys. I have a sad story now." The others stop and face him. "I left the keys in the lobby."
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
This showed up in my literature textbook, I’m guessing circa 2000
Who takes photos with a tablet anyway?
Jupiter will always be my number 1
Guide to quarantine
Let’s remedy this situation in 2020.
A Turkish proverb.
Mum’s clothes line rules
un ironically posted to quora.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed. Edit: My first award! Thanks!
Linked lists ftw
thats a great lesson for UK educational system
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
My wife hasn’t said a word to me in 6 days.
What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.
I’m scared of π
It's an irrational fear
I was on a date with a woman who said “I am a big country fan.”
Me trying to sound intelligent: " Well, China is 3.7 million square miles. "
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
Branco, aka Ben Garrison with somehow less talent.
Shout Out To My Grandpa
Because Thats The Only Way He Can Hear Me
A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border
He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience: "What happened?" asked his family. "Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"
Found this in my instagram feed.. it’s very boomer
Most Puns Make Me Numb
But Maths Jokes Make Me Number
I’ve been happily married for ten whole years.
And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.
My dad always said “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them”
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree hasn’t been the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Just got the perfect tool for making a good indian flat bread
it's a naan stick pan
Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas City anymore.
Beam me up Scotty
I feel bad for laughing
I’ve spent two years looking for my ex’s killer
But no-one will do it.
Football Man Bad!!!
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
No text found
And poof, she’s gone